This year has truly been a changing point in my life and I must admit the
hardest I have ever faced as an adult. I tell people war is easy life is hard,
in my opinion raising a family in todays reality is much more difficult. I
accept the compliments when my military service is honored, but secretly I am
the one that is envious of them and there families. I admire and honor the
commit these people have to providing and taking care of who they love and
sacrificing time to better themselves as a family. For myself I walk around with
a lot of pain and guilt when I returned home from this so called war. I found
myself very insecure, afraid, depressed, and very confused about the emotions I
was now experiencing. I rarely offered any insight to what was truly bothering
me and I smiled and stood tall against people and there comments they started to
make and the reputation I obtained. I pressed forward through adversity and it
was a constant battle within myself to look in the mirror without the feeling of
disgust and shame numbing my body. This year I have learned who the real me is
and I have learned so many valuable lessons growing mentally into a man. I
confronted myself and stopped running and pledged a war to change, to let go,
and learn to take these walls down that secluded me from having any emotional
ties to the people around me. Alcohol and drugs are one of the greatest
inventions by man and I have experienced my fair share of good times. This is a
very deadly combination but also it provides a release within yourself and makes
you almost feel human again. I noticed upon coming home I physically could not
feel or portray certain emotions. Love was a major emotion I could no longer
experience anymore. Love is the most amazing natural feeling we experience in
this life and for something to take that away from you makes you not even want
to continue this fucked up reality I call my life. I developed trust issues
within myself and I soon found myself cold and alone. I live day to day
screaming inside and the pain of not being able to express love and happiness is
enough to drive even the most mentally tough individual to the breaking point of
insanity. I have done things I am not proud of and the feeling of shame and
guilt is washed away with the cold feeling of booze entering my body. I
justified my actions through my own empathic logic and reasoning for my own
personal gratification to validate I was still a decent human being. For a while
it was easy to hide but deep down I did not want to live my life anymore. I
isolated myself from most of the people closest to me and I tried to handle this
so called PTSD on my own as I feel I was not worthy to distinguish myself with a
combat injury. I tried to reason within myself and compared my experiences to
that of others and felt shame that they could contain this and their experiences
makes mine seem as a family vacation to Disney world. To shake up sobriety
offered me a quick escape to the mayhem going on inside myself. I gathered
what little character and morals I had and pursued down a very self destructive
path openly knowing what I was doing but just could not pull out of the
emotional nightmare I was experiencing. I pushed everyone away and this baffled
me because I could not come to grasp as to why. I viewed this as a way of
protecting myself from being hurt anymore but deep down I was ashamed I could
not feel happiness, love, compassion and all the other amazing feelings you are
blessed with by God. Only anger came in its place and even though a lot of
people thought I was an asshole but the sad fact was that was the only emotions
I had. I kept these thoughts and struggles to myself because admitting I
am emotionally numb and crippled was something I did not want to fully believe
and accept. I started to realize small infractions about me that were different.
Imagine drinking your first beer the way it intoxicates you the way it changes
the way you comprehend your thoughts. The alternate world it opens up and
manipulates your emotions and feelings. I exerted myself more physically to
almost justify within my logic to prove I was not mentally weak. The good times
once again offered a false reality and an escape to the daemons I found myself
battling alone. I started to notice things that were different when under the
influence. I could feel again or so I believed to think that was feelings.
Things were not so dark and cold and it even offered a sense of relief. I hid
this for a long time and I remember looking at myself in the mirror and was
disgusted with the man facing back. I push these thoughts of shame and guilt
from my head line by line. Drugs have never been a issue for me and I once had a
lot of pride in thinking I was different then the addicts you learn of on
A&E or those druggie friends your parents warned you of growing up. Sadly I
had come to the gut wrenching conclusion that I was the same if not worse then
the same people I once judged. I did not understand addiction was a disease and
was treatable. I did not want to nor have the intentions of quiting what I had
introduced into my life as I would take the repercussions of my path
rather then deal with the nightmare of what sobriety became to me. I became
terrified and I can not count how many times I justified my lies manipulation
and guilt to myself. Bargaining, comparing, but overall lying to not only myself
but also to everyone around me. I began to hate my life even more so then before
for the sole reason I became I full fledged slave to my addiction. The lies the
finical toll this cost me and the self pride and dignity that was already in
ruins finally did me in. The depression started to set in and waking up in the
morning pissed me off but I still kept my fight, feelings and addiction sacred.
For I knew the people around me would not accept me nor understand why I
continue down this destructive path. I was afraid I would be judged and labeled
and my own worst fears back then are a reality of today. Once your labeled or
you become public people cast judgment upon your situation. You know nothing
about me or what I have been through so I forgive these people for their
ignorance. I was to the point I wanted to die and the only sober relief I
found besides drugs was inflicting violence upon my opposition for this is a
drug in itself. I know in my heart though this is very wrong and terrifying that
I feel almost a happiness or joy by making people suffer as I do everyday with
the use of violence. I feel no remorse for some of my actions and if anything it
would release this inner rage warrior spirit I had induced within my body for
months and even years at times. This would offer a sense of relief and would
relate to deflating a balloon but the only pressure I relieved was that of my
mind and the thoughts that haunted me. Imagine you have to use the restroom but
can not find access to one. You can withhold the urge fairly easily and it is
not that uncomfortable. The longer you withhold this urge within yourself your
anxiety and almost a physical pain starts to grasp tightly around your body. The
more time that passes your brain starts to release chemicals that
entertain only your undivided attention and the conflict at hand. Finally you
release whats trapped within your body that is only a by product of what you
have ingested. You release these things and your once again relieved of the
pressure that has slowly built up inside you. To me this analogy is a terrifying
reality and truth of the nightmare I have created inside. Not only am I'm
emotionally numb and on the edge I start facing life's fucking mayhem. Things
start to build up within myself as I try to be tolerant of my situations. I hate
violence now to be truthful but I terrify myself in the same sense because I can
not stop this process. I engulf myself with feelings of anger, pain, and run on
a depressed state of consciousness, transforming and bundling my mind into that
of rage and hate that I have learned to harness and control unleashing this
emotion I do not understand quite myself to what I view as a threat or a target
if you want to be politically correct. The fact that I have knocked someone
unconscious and did not stop beating this individual with feelings of joy and
this unknown emotion flowing through me absolutely scared me. I think to myself
am I sick now for feeding off of this or am I weak for not being able to control
this new found power because within my thinking during my actions I felt no
mercy or control. The few people that I
am close with I will die protecting and even though I am adopting a different
method of handling things of this sort I get very stupid when a women is
assaulted. The sad and crazy part about this is it makes me feel better within
myself validating my existence. This is a primal emotion every man carries
within himself but very few have found it. Even more rare is someone that has
found it harnessed it and can control it as I have learned to do. I don't like
to fight these days and view this as a last resort as I know the escalation that
it will lead to. If the opportunity presents itself I'm willing to do whatever
is necessary or deemed fit for my survival and that of my family. I am no
monster and I stand up for whats right in this world I just have my own unique
way of handling things. Sometimes its the principal of things and how you
treat people and I am the one to just handle my business and not contact outside
influences. I have been incarcerated three times now due to my rage and my
new friend that haunts my mind. This was once my protection admit war and I can
only assume fear and the shock of my soundings brings this unknown emotion out.
In the United States this new ability's is a liability as we are not in a
war zone anymore. In my mind I am though in a weird sense. I do not believe
people are out to hurt me or do me harm intentionally but if I perceive the
strangers around me as a threat it protects me and builds a naturally guard up
around myself. This logic makes me feel safe and when this is triggered I am on
edge and I don't understand why. This strange emotion I came to realize was
something I wish I had never encountered for it took my every once of
innocence's away. When your mind brings this emotion to your knowledge and you
learn to control it your life will never be the same. Thankfully I have not had
to use this but I do know it's there. Another admiralty is I do not know what
fear feels like or how it affects you as I have learned in my mind to turn this
completely off. Fear is transformed into anger and the new found energy emotion
and your state of readiness reacts to this new thought process. This protects
you from your own morals and values you once knew from the new evil emotions you
have stumbled upon. You learn to turn off weak emotions. Emotions such as love
and affection are not going to fucking get you to far in a combat environment so
you bury these things deep within you and replace it with the new emotions you
have created that will be the key components dedicated to your survival if that
moment arises. To regulate people you will never understand, but I do hope you
can achieve almost an idea or insight through my pain and reading my most
personal feelings I have portrayed for you. Death is something you accept and no
training or guidance can prepare your mind what you are about to subject
yourself to. War is absolutely ugly in nature and one of the most primitive
feelings I have experienced as a human being. You almost feed off the energy of
the air and the most evil feelings and thoughts run through your mind as if you
were born to take another mans life and feel a accomplishment over this action.
Death is not to be taken lightly but it is also something every last one of us
on this planet will eventually face. It is up to you as to what you fear and one
thing I know from my own personal experiences within myself someone that is not
afraid to sacrifice their life is one man you do not want to piss off. Death is
only a experience and a fragment of this lifetime so why fear it. Death offers a
peace and to someone admits this mayhem its only ending our suffering. Admits
all of this and the changes you experience you start to form a bond like that of
two brothers and it reinforces the one thing that makes us human. You start to
build a relationship no one from the regular world will ever understand. People
once asked me did I believe in war or our cause in the middle east. My answer is
simple and that is I did not get paid to have an opinion. What am I to say if I
don't support it ? This isn't going to get you very far when uncle Sam trains
you and transforms you into this new state of mind. The military trusts you with
a weapon to preform the duty's of your job and issues you a legal license to
take another human beings life under the Geneva convections and that of your
mission. They then ship you half way across the world into a land unforgiving
and filled with hate and distrust for the flag you carry on the right sleeve of
your body. Freedom I inquire about and I wonder what the fuck it truly means to
other people that have not experienced what I have and why so many people take
this for granted. If one could only experience the hate and level of violence
other human beings endeavor humbly from far lands not known to us. Maybe our
country wouldn't have the attitude or depreciation that I see today.
I slowly learned of soldiers I personally knew and had befriended through our
deployment and personal journeys within the Army that were ending this nightmare
I describe by taking their own lives. This absolutely destroys me inside and to
remittance on the leadership and toughness these guys lived by would make even
chuck Norris think twice before crossing. Why and how is it that some of the
most strongest men on the outside could not handle this situation playing out
for most of us returning home to our families and normal lives. I want to
scream when I hear of civilians complaining or judging these individuals and the
thousands like them that have committed suicide instead of bearing this pain or
dealing with it on a individual basis. I reflect my own thoughts of this idea of
ending the pain I live with and the changes I absolutely hate. I fantasize and
romance the idea of my own personal suicide and I can not tell you how many
times I have battled the pros and cons in my head. How much less pain my family
would suffer and the feeling of knowing they do not have to endeavor my struggle
anymore as sadly they do not understand but this does affect them in one way or
another. I think of the pain I would be relived off and the satisfaction of
knowing I could finally be at peace within myself. I hit my rock bottom point
this year and the reality I had created for myself I could not stand nor bear to
live with. The state of depression I was in and the unwillingness to live
anymore created a cocktail for disastrous thoughts . I found myself using
anything I could to escape sobriety with and running seemed almost necessary
even if this means running out of this world as we know it and into the unknown.
Crying and dealing with this pain with the onset that my family was not there
for me made me truly not want to live. Replaying this situation makes my hands
sweat and my legs tremble with Adrenalin because I was completely serious and
determined to end this for my family and myself. Tears weeped as I have always
wanted a family of my own and to enjoy the things in life that people I see
everyday take for granted. This is only a fantasy for someone with this struggle
as I was told I have to love myself before I could love another. I was
intoxicated and no one knew of my plan as I did not want anyone to intervene
with feeling sorry for me or thinking my life was worth saving. Real people
don't talk about it shit just happens. I filled my eyes up with tears and my
nose became ingested with the dope I was emotionally preparing myself for what I
was about to do. Knowing you are about to end your own life and your absolutely
serious with your decision is the most unique feeling. You will feel the most
alive you have ever felt in your life. Memories flicker through your head
and your mind is already drifting off to a peaceful place or time in your life
when you experienced normality and life was simple and fulfilling. I lifted the
glock to my head and a feeling of numbness overcame me as I started to become
very angry and this emotion I explain overcame my body. I pulled the trigger and
to my failure I only hear a click of the hammer falling forward. I am screaming
with disappointment as to why God will not let me do this Its not fucking fair
to me as I can not deal with this pain or suffering. I dropped the pistol and
cried by myself and felt a remorse for what I had just done and the anxiety
kicked in. Looking back I still can not believe I found the courage to do that
or maybe my judgment was clouded. I picked up the gun and I knew that I did not
have the courage within me to pull that trigger a second time. I discharged the
receiver thinking I did not chamber the round and to my surprise a round ejected
from the weapon. I inspected the bullet and the hammer did strike. I felt
even more at shame and tears poured from my face like rain. For the first
time I dropped to my knees and prayed to a man I was disgusted with for allowing
the things I had seen and the changes and sacrifice's I gave up to uphold what I
did for my country. I thanked him and asked him for forgiveness. Only a close
friend knows of this and now you do but don't be afraid or seek pity for me I
only want you to relive my state of mind at the time. The first time in my life
by myself sitting intoxicated with tears pouring down my face I realized I
needed to make some major changes within me and studied myself in the smoke
stained mirror until time seemed to drift and I almost found myself in a state
of shock. I pulled my emotions together and muster the dignity and courage to
reach out to the closest thing I had to family at the time. I call a
childhood friend that I thought was there for me to come and take this weapon
away from me before I decide to reconsider my new attitude on life. The response
I get was of they were busy and would maybe stop by and was questioned about gas
money even though he still owes me money. I think to myself if I had told them I
just pulled the trigger with the barrel to my head would you feel sorry enough
for me to act like a true friend ? Sadly his own envious jealously ended our
friendship but thats how it works and someone that plays into their own
insecurities of envying me I take as a compliment. I reflect on a handful of
people who I considered friends telling me throughout the years that they could
always count on me as I have bailed multiple fakes out of jail and other things.
Were are they now as I sacrificed a high paying job because I'm not a
snitch and took my fate over disloyalty even when I was not guilty just brave
and fearless of police. Am I just naive to the intentions of the people I
surround myself with or am I deserving of such fate. I don't understand it and I
slowly pushed everyone I had known away further. Fuck these people I have no
room for them in my life anymore. I realize now that truly I was jumping over
oceans while the fakeness I surround myself with wouldn't brave a mud puddle.
Thats the price you pay to learn a hard lesson in life. Even while writing this
I can honestly count on two fingers how many friends I have that are true.
Depression still haunted my life and everyday I wake up I wish that fucking
bullet went into my head instead of me suffering like I was at the time. I am
pleading for help and even though I am not saying it directly I think the tone
in my voice would let one know that I was scared alone and terrified of myself.
The feelings that engulfed my head were that of shame, guilt, failure,
depression and anger. Is this what I am to endure for the rest of my life ? Does
this ever go away or get better to cope with I ask myself and I still am a
believer to death over this battle is what I choose. No man should have to carry
this burden or put his friends and family through what I have. I do not
understand why though and maybe I never will fully. Where did things go wrong
was I destined for this since birth or did my immature actions of a adolescent
stir me into this path rather than that of a outstanding intelligent college
graduate your family wants you to be. I can say I raised my hand during a time
of war and to some critics I knew what I was getting myself into but the war
within yourself you will never be prepared and I hope that my views opinions and
life encounters with good and evil can help you stir in the right direction. I
am twenty six years old and have more wisdom then most men twice my age. I am
not suicidal while writing this and my state of mind is not depressed but I do
wish I can still end this pain. I wake up everyday and sometimes I try to force
my body back into the deep sleep I only imagine death as being. For this is the
most peace I have experienced since leaving this country a young man with a huge
heart and a yearning for acceptance love and family. Welcome to fucking War its
going to be great.
Depression, anxiety, grief, emotionless and anger
is what I feel and walk around with on a daily basis. Some days are better then
others but in the end it all has the same result. My life has been turned upside
down because I could not process the thoughts that are trapped within my head. I
laugh to myself when I meet these posers claiming to be war hero's and the glory
and gratitude they seek at bars from women they are trying to seduce. I wish
I could give them what little glory I contributed and maybe they will
realize its not as glorious as expected. They can also have the emotional
bullshit that comes along with this burden as a extra bonus that we as combat
veterans keep to ourselves. I do not understand why people look at me as some
hero, I did not fight in historic battles and rain the massive amount of brass
down on Americas new found enemy's we call terrorist. I only did my job which to
me was not that significant and the only fond memory's is of my 1Sgt Thaddeus
Richards and his mission to make my life hell making me a better soldier in the
long run. I miss that angry man and all of his hatred towards me as thats how
they express they care about you. Maybe to these people in their eyes I am a
hero but to myself I am ashamed and feel guilt confusion comes along with this
as I do not fully understand why I have these emotions. Hero's are among us
though as I have had the privilege to met some. I know a man that served in
world war two and has two purple hearts. I only know him as Mr Paul and he wears
the burden of my great grandfathers generation upon his face with honor. He sits
outside sipping Jack Daniels whiskey and conversing with his dog that runs
freely around the yard and I feel Mr Paul receives a peace within this as such a
innocent thing in this world will never be exposed to the actually horror I
could only imagine this man faced in his prime. I conversed with him and he
offers a lesson of wisdom that a young man seeks from his elders. We catch up on
the normal small talk two strangers would exchange and I interrupt him suddenly
with a nervous tone in my voice and ask him bluntly if it gets any better.
He looks at me straight in the eyes and sees my pain I assume and with a raspy
voice he begins to say something but stops because he is already choking up. He
pulls his emotions together and holds back and in his raspy voice and tears
feeling his eyes he explains you try to forget and move on with your life as
this is just a small chapter and you will have many amazing life experiences. He
takes a sip from his glass and contradicts his advice and I feel as if he was
reading a script. He breaks down and says but its just a bunch of horse shit
son. You will cope with this and your life will go on but you will never forget
your experiences you had and you will never be the same person you once were.
Tears filled my eyes and I held back myself from displaying my weakness as this
man is a genuine hero and my sorrows will never compare to his. We then begin to
talk about old friends, the leaders that made an impact in our life, and the
silly stories we all have to share. I felt honored to even have the opportunity
to sip whiskey with someone of this stature and I cherished his advice he gave
me. Privately when I was alone I reflected back on this intoxicated now and it
broke my heart seeing the pain this Hero carried with him for so long. I loss
myself in my drunken emotions and I felt rage and anger towards our society and
the lack of willingness to understand these struggles I am painting out in your
head right now. I pick the bottle up and take a gulp of the liquor and at this
point I do not need a chaser and the burn of the alcohol just reminds me that I
can still feel pain. This actually comforts me somehow for I always thought if
you can't feel physically pain then your at the front door of this worlds
departure. My mind starts to race again and the anger is coming back that I run
from. The rage sets in and I get extremely angry only at myself and question the
things I do not have the answers to anymore. Why can't I feel love, why do I
push the people away that care about me the most in this world. Why do I push
women away that try to get close. Why am I a shitty boyfriend, a shitty son, and
a shitty brother and grandson. I think to myself hard and even though I am
intoxicated this is still not enough to drive these thoughts out of my head that
haunt me daily. I chop out a line of the poison I consider my antidote for this
nightmare and escape from this thought process I consider a living hell and the
embarrassment I have created called my life. This goes on for months even years
the same battle. You see the substances offers a passage, a escape from the war
that has invited its front lines into my mind. I personally do not enjoy the
part of drugs and alcohol that most do but the fact that it drives the front
lines away and offers almost a peace and understanding with a false sense of
reality that everything going to be okay. The high is not what drives me and if
I could obtain the same affect from chugging water then by all means I would
indulge in that as I hate knowing what this could really lead to in my life. My
mind plays tricks and justifies my understanding of this war by convincing
myself everything will be okay lets not think about tomorrow as last time I
reflected upon my future it led to a failed suicide.
Something started to change one evening early this summer it came to me like a runaway train.
Unstoppable in nature ambushing me when I least expected it. I started to
reflect on a couple things within myself and to my surprise soberly for the
first time I started to become very emotional and I closed the door of the room
I was staying as to not show weakness or invite anyone into this war I had been
fighting for so long by myself. I started to rain tears like a freshly dumped
teenage girl and even though they say as a man you are not suppose to cry this
experience was truly the most amazing thing that had happened to me in a really
long time. I thought about my mistakes my failures and to my dismay the anger
and rage I so cowardly ran from all these years did not show up to fight this
time. This was very new to me and I did not know how to take this in as this was
the first time in a sober state of mind I had experienced this. The pain started
to erupt and the flood of emotions that entered my body I could not process or
comprehend. I quickly intoxicate myself as I do not want to deal with this shit
and maybe to me it had became so routine as I almost knew what was next. I sat
there and the false sense of feelings the substance had over my body pushed this
away. I can't face this I think its terrifying to even myself and how am I to
explain this to someone that could never relate to any issues I lay in front of
you. I had put up so many walls and felt so emotionally numb that other peoples
opinion absolutely did not bother me. I consider myself to display honor and
even though I know you are slandering my image I will not slander yours as I
know I could. I forgive these people as they do not know what I deal with. I
hardly know what I deal with and there ignorance of their actions should not
cost them the same cast of stones that I endure from people. Is this sickening
to read to yourself as it is to me ? I do not know why my thought process
is like this and deep down I wish that I could obtain my revenge upon these
people but I hold my tongue every single time. I start to understand something
within myself in a sober state of mind that has not shown its face since I had
stepped my foot back on American soil. I clearly remember being on the plane
home with a feeling I can never describe in words of joy and a sigh of relief
that my job was complete. Little did I know at the time that my personal war had
just begun.
During my transition within my personal war and this new
found victory I had accomplished I had started to council to one person and
built a level of trust and bond I don't think anyone would ever imagine. I
studied his character actions and his charisma he displayed to everyone else. I
listened more and started to get a understanding of what being a truly genuine
person was about. I kept my admiration to myself and never told him that I
secretly aspired to become the man he is. I have met many great leaders and I do
not know if this was different because my new role model was family now or for
the fact I had earned respect within someone that sets the standard high. He
indirectly taught me to be discipline as they did in the Army, to be patient,
and most importantly do not listen to your foes hatred. Do not let others
judgment upon myself be the mirror in which I cast my own reflection. I was
taught that struggle builds character and the easy way out will only lead you
out to sea. A sense of humbleness was cast upon myself and I can honestly say I
have not been humble in quite sometime. I am thankful for the small things in
life and the moments I cherish the most is on the back porch smoking Marlboro
ultra lights and having a few laughs as men. I trust this man I speak of more
then anyone in this world and he honestly does not know it until now but has
lead me down a path of becoming a better man and has also indirectly saved me
from the madness that was a part of my life. He was a warrior helping me fight
my battles and to my surprise was an effective tool only by showing me a
perspective in which to think. This war that I had kept to myself started to
become vicious with me prevailing and overcoming what I could never do own my
own. Sobriety started to actually become something I looked forward to and a lot
of changes started to happen within myself. I started to view the world in
metaphors and found everything from your television, music, movies, and even a
strangers conversation was a unsaid lesson that could be learned and applied to
my life to give me an insight of wisdom. The book of Monte Castro is a great
example of what I am trying to paint for you and though the book is a little
dull and boring it offers a since of hope that one man sacrificed himself as he
seen the potential of Monte Castro when no one else did. I do look forward to
the pale women entering my life and I am to only dream of a beautiful fate that
he had.
A lot of things were going on that I could not explain within myself
. I did not know how to take in this new change of character and the sense
of relief I had felt that I was winning the war I so desperately wanted to end.
During this time I had always kept these emotions to myself and I started to
have outside influences on what I should do in my life. I consider myself a
young leader and though I might not have what I envision just yet that will not
change my mindset to that of a follower. I was injured in my life and not to
many people knew this and only assumed what they thought was the real issue at
hand. I had a handful of people come into my life that influenced me into
thinking they were there for me when really I was just a pawn on their
chessboard. I started to become aggravated at this situation and to them I was
harmless but if they truly knew what I knew a level of respect would have been
given. If my thoughts could be seen maybe it would have for casted a warning of
what happens when you provoke a combat veteran with PTSD or whatever medical
term you want to label this emotion I found.
I kept these things to myself and made a oath of silence
that I will always uphold and honor. I am predetermined to keep this within
myself and by all means uphold my word so take this as a metaphor and a lesson
that I do not know anyone or anything. I adopted this policy and live by
it as one of my core values.
During this time and the changes I was
experiencing I became excited as things I once knew started to return. Only
slight and only small hints of progress were being made but to me this was a
milestone. I started to open up and its pretty heartbreaking for myself to see
the walls and emotional barriers that me myself and I had created. I looked in
the mirror and for the first time in a very long time I could look myself in the
eyes and not feel shame. This was a huge step in my road to recovery as that
brought back the self confidence I once knew. My sprite's became awakened and
for the first time the war I thought I was fighting alone I knew I was wrong.
They are few and far between but I have had people beside me through this and
their loyalty will never go unspoken. I adopted certain principles that I
thought would lead me into becoming real or genuine that I so secretly strive to
be. I instilled more core values into me as I would not lie and I would not
cheat nor steal in no shape of form and most importantly to honor my word for
that is all I have left and sadly I have tarnished that but with due time I will
restore my creditability. I started to live by these principles and quickly
realized this is a very uncommon occurrence and to most this will actually get
you no where. I started to throw my thoughts on paper as a very amazing person
taught me to do over the summer as you do not forget your thoughts. This friend
has lead me to create this and the gratitude I have is incomparable to anything
else. I learned a lot of that journey and I only regret that our friendship
ended by the hands of my enemy's in this world. I do apologize for that and
karma has already paid them a visit but that doesn't change the fact of what
happened. I then seen the years of pain I have endured and what emotional roller
coaster I have put everyone around me through. I can honestly state the fact now
my war is not over but my opposition within my thoughts is not controlling my
life anymore. Love, happiness, trust and joy started to return and writing all
of this helps me see my progress.
I'm not a success story and even
though I wish I had a better tale as the men do going from rags to riches this
is my story and my struggle. I have a long road ahead of myself and to repair
damages I have personally caused and created in my life. No matter what I try to
keep a positive attitude these days but the idea of things being to gone to
repair are gloaming in the background. I'm border lined homeless at the moment
and who knows whats next as I cherish everyday I have and I'm fighting like hell
to get up. I live my life differently now but I can not convince certain members
of my family of this. I do not know why I seek their approval and I often get
hurt trying to please others wishes and I am forced to portray myself as someone
I am not to make themselves happy and feed into their own insecurities of being
a good parent. Maybe one day I will be forgiven maybe not but one thing I am
assure of this is not going to dictate my success. I consider myself a young
leader and move forward at any cost. This year has taught me how to be a man,
not everyone in your face is your friend and doing the right thing doesn't get
you very far. I have stood proudly when most would have folded. Put myself into
dangerous situations not fully telling the people around me the extent of my
sacrifices and feelings. I have experienced my own karma from my past mistakes
as I stuck my neck out for two individuals that I used to care about and
sticking by there side caused me to get wrapped up in their own mistakes and
ultimate me paying the price for their redemption. I was kicked out of someones
house and scorned as crazy only for the fact that I cared about his wellbeing as
a friend tremendously and he was to blinded by his own bullshit to fully
understand that the road he had chosen was not very healthy for him. I smile to
myself when I hear of people talking of me even though it's fucking hard at
times. I know I am destined for amazing things in my life and I have a tough
mission to accomplish ahead and this attitude is what keeps me
driven.
I have built character and have started to feel the emotions I
once lost. Things are changing and I can honestly say the pain I walked around
with for so long is starting to heal and subside its grip upon my life. I wake
up everyday with the determination to become the best man I can with the
resources I have at my disposal. Being real I strive for and it defines me as a
leader in the future. Happiness has started to take shape and even though I have
very little, I am more spiritually wealthy then I have ever been in my entire
life. In this journey I have seen some amazing things that all most shocks you
and for a moment you think the world isn't so cold. Friends are to be cherished
because a genuine real friend is something very rare in this world and if your
so lucky to have that bond hold on to it as if your life depends on it. I try to
see the good in people these days and to hear another persons dreams and
ambitions only motivates me furtherer into mine. I truly believe money can not
buy love, happiness, trust, loyalty, and family. I once told this to a man with
money and was laughed at. The funny part about the situation is he will never
compare to the man I am inside as his moral compass is misguided and broken so
much I'm not sure how he makes it to his bathroom every
morning.
It does bother me that I can not tell people of the things I once was dealing
with inside my head and from my heart I would not put that pain on them nor would they fully
understand. I know I'm not the person others wants me to be but soon the same
people that cast shadow on my journey and throw judgments from my family will
know I will become one of the most inspiring people they have ever met. The
drama I deal with present day and the judging assuming and casting will be
forgiven by me as I am one to think family sticks together no matter what and
when times get hard you pull tighter not pull away. I'm a firm believer that
success and change are within reach of us all. You just have to scrape, fight,
overlook, and keep a degree of vigilance from snakes trying to do what they do
best. I'm no coward as well and I can honestly state I'm doing the damn thing in
front of everyone watching hoping I fail. I have released there are a certain
group of individuals that get a high off of my misery. This still confuses me as
to why but I guess when your envious of my heart and mind I can see why this is
so.
I do hope I have gotten my point across with my recent actions
that I am actually embarrassed of. Deep down it was a last cry for help.
still have my demons I fight but I am getting better. I really do hate this
route but if my family is ever threatened again Ive made a promise within myself
to act fast and swift on the issue and to come up with a positive solution. I'm
sure I'll make the lye choice in the matter. Prison does not scare me and it's a
cheap price or sacrifice to pay to protect what I love and cherish most in this
world. I'm already mentally scarred and messing with what I love in my life
brings out that battle field of emotions in my head. I have also found writing
this out for who knows to read helps me collect my thoughts and makes me release
how mentally corrupt I truly am to when I read this back to myself. Maybe this
or something to the degree will be the start of a voice that we as veterans go
unheard. I feel as if my pain mistakes and accomplishments will shed light on
the issues veterans like myself go through in our daily lives. Six months ago I
would not have written something like this as I felt ashamed and did not want
the people reading this today to judge me based upon something I could not
control. I for see it now as a tool to motivate someone else or give guidance to
someone dealing with these matters to seek help and not make the mistakes I did.
I want my legacy to continue and prevail no matter what the outcome may unfold.
I want my voice heard and most importantly I want people to be genially happy.
I'm pressuring a dream of starting an Investment Firm made up of employing
everyday people and take this anger and fight to cooperate America that houses
the greedy coperations and CEO'S that I despise. I want to start a non-profit
organization aiming at helping at risk veterans before they self destruct
as I did. Life is truly amazing and God has given me a second chance and I will
succeed no matter how tough this journey ahead of me may be.
I love my country but disagree with the things happening right now within my Government. I
raised my hand during a time of war and sacrificed my time and sadly to admit my
sanity for this Country. Reading this may inspire others to see my perspective
and understand the bigger picture of this mayhem some veterans live with. I used
to believe you had to come from something to be something sadly you forge your
own path I have come to learn. I do not regret anything about my life and do not
seek sympathy from this. I only beg for forgiveness for my past mistakes and
even though I would like to entertain the idea of total redemption other people
do not let go very easy. I don't blame them and only ask for a chance in the
future to make things right. To most redemption is nothing more then a word
tossed around on social media potentially with some witty quote next to a
picture of a historically leader. To me its a peace, a change, a place in life
were you decide instead of judging others you take a hard look in the mirror.
That day I committed the biggest mistake of my life I started to change myself
for the better. I have been to combat and I am proud to admit that only 1% of
our population holds that honor. I am blessed for the pain the experience and
most of all the brotherhood I received and now a part of. The Army was a huge
part of my life and even though it turned me into a stand up for what you love,
fearless, loyal warrior the values that were driven into me far outweigh the
bad. I learned this year attitude really does define you as a person even though
individuals make you feel like a outcast and love to kick you when your down.
I do not know what my next move is and even though my life has become
a empty shell of loneliness I am trying to keep the attitude that will drive me
towards success and my dreams but I will admit this is very hard as my personal
war has cost me everything besides a few materialistic possessions that are
being held hostage due to my lack of foundation that I only want and need to
fully win this battle. Everyday is a constant reminder of my mistakes and the
impact of my life experiences I have lived through. I am not ashamed to admit I
grew up on Joann Dr in Brunswick GA. It has defined me as the man I will become
and when I do accomplish my dreams it will make me appreciate what I have that
much more for I will provide a different lifestyle to my children that I did not
have. Family is very important to me and even though I feel as if I don't have
much of a family it will make me cherish mine and protect it when God does see
fit I deserve my own. I will forever remember this year as it draws down to a
end as the year I took a stand. I do not know what next year has in store for me
but I do know what I have in store for it. The few that has stuck by my side
will always have my loyalty and gratitude and the one man that believed in me
the most and never dropped his loyalty to me is who help sparked this.
I want to personally thank you for reading my deepest thoughts and
emotions and I only ask you to please keep your personal opinions to yourself if
you disagree with anything you have read. This is a very big step for me but I
feel as if my story can help others and shed light on what veterans face. The
general population is only going to see what is put forth in front of them and
today's society the news and media is not helping our cause. One in five
veterans commit suicide returning home from our recent wars in Afghanistan and
Iraq with most of us under twenty five years of age. We do not seek sympathy nor
ridicule but understanding of what we face. Life is short and we only receive
what we put in to it. I only pray my story can help others and learn from my
mistakes. If you are going through hell contact me as I have been there and I am
still on that path. We owe this to our brothers and sisters that did not make it
home and we owe this to each other. I want to personally thank Wounded Warrior
Project for stepping into my life and I look forward to working with you in the
future. Thanks for reading my innermost thoughts and Godspeed to all.
Youngner, Joshua Cole
hardest I have ever faced as an adult. I tell people war is easy life is hard,
in my opinion raising a family in todays reality is much more difficult. I
accept the compliments when my military service is honored, but secretly I am
the one that is envious of them and there families. I admire and honor the
commit these people have to providing and taking care of who they love and
sacrificing time to better themselves as a family. For myself I walk around with
a lot of pain and guilt when I returned home from this so called war. I found
myself very insecure, afraid, depressed, and very confused about the emotions I
was now experiencing. I rarely offered any insight to what was truly bothering
me and I smiled and stood tall against people and there comments they started to
make and the reputation I obtained. I pressed forward through adversity and it
was a constant battle within myself to look in the mirror without the feeling of
disgust and shame numbing my body. This year I have learned who the real me is
and I have learned so many valuable lessons growing mentally into a man. I
confronted myself and stopped running and pledged a war to change, to let go,
and learn to take these walls down that secluded me from having any emotional
ties to the people around me. Alcohol and drugs are one of the greatest
inventions by man and I have experienced my fair share of good times. This is a
very deadly combination but also it provides a release within yourself and makes
you almost feel human again. I noticed upon coming home I physically could not
feel or portray certain emotions. Love was a major emotion I could no longer
experience anymore. Love is the most amazing natural feeling we experience in
this life and for something to take that away from you makes you not even want
to continue this fucked up reality I call my life. I developed trust issues
within myself and I soon found myself cold and alone. I live day to day
screaming inside and the pain of not being able to express love and happiness is
enough to drive even the most mentally tough individual to the breaking point of
insanity. I have done things I am not proud of and the feeling of shame and
guilt is washed away with the cold feeling of booze entering my body. I
justified my actions through my own empathic logic and reasoning for my own
personal gratification to validate I was still a decent human being. For a while
it was easy to hide but deep down I did not want to live my life anymore. I
isolated myself from most of the people closest to me and I tried to handle this
so called PTSD on my own as I feel I was not worthy to distinguish myself with a
combat injury. I tried to reason within myself and compared my experiences to
that of others and felt shame that they could contain this and their experiences
makes mine seem as a family vacation to Disney world. To shake up sobriety
offered me a quick escape to the mayhem going on inside myself. I gathered
what little character and morals I had and pursued down a very self destructive
path openly knowing what I was doing but just could not pull out of the
emotional nightmare I was experiencing. I pushed everyone away and this baffled
me because I could not come to grasp as to why. I viewed this as a way of
protecting myself from being hurt anymore but deep down I was ashamed I could
not feel happiness, love, compassion and all the other amazing feelings you are
blessed with by God. Only anger came in its place and even though a lot of
people thought I was an asshole but the sad fact was that was the only emotions
I had. I kept these thoughts and struggles to myself because admitting I
am emotionally numb and crippled was something I did not want to fully believe
and accept. I started to realize small infractions about me that were different.
Imagine drinking your first beer the way it intoxicates you the way it changes
the way you comprehend your thoughts. The alternate world it opens up and
manipulates your emotions and feelings. I exerted myself more physically to
almost justify within my logic to prove I was not mentally weak. The good times
once again offered a false reality and an escape to the daemons I found myself
battling alone. I started to notice things that were different when under the
influence. I could feel again or so I believed to think that was feelings.
Things were not so dark and cold and it even offered a sense of relief. I hid
this for a long time and I remember looking at myself in the mirror and was
disgusted with the man facing back. I push these thoughts of shame and guilt
from my head line by line. Drugs have never been a issue for me and I once had a
lot of pride in thinking I was different then the addicts you learn of on
A&E or those druggie friends your parents warned you of growing up. Sadly I
had come to the gut wrenching conclusion that I was the same if not worse then
the same people I once judged. I did not understand addiction was a disease and
was treatable. I did not want to nor have the intentions of quiting what I had
introduced into my life as I would take the repercussions of my path
rather then deal with the nightmare of what sobriety became to me. I became
terrified and I can not count how many times I justified my lies manipulation
and guilt to myself. Bargaining, comparing, but overall lying to not only myself
but also to everyone around me. I began to hate my life even more so then before
for the sole reason I became I full fledged slave to my addiction. The lies the
finical toll this cost me and the self pride and dignity that was already in
ruins finally did me in. The depression started to set in and waking up in the
morning pissed me off but I still kept my fight, feelings and addiction sacred.
For I knew the people around me would not accept me nor understand why I
continue down this destructive path. I was afraid I would be judged and labeled
and my own worst fears back then are a reality of today. Once your labeled or
you become public people cast judgment upon your situation. You know nothing
about me or what I have been through so I forgive these people for their
ignorance. I was to the point I wanted to die and the only sober relief I
found besides drugs was inflicting violence upon my opposition for this is a
drug in itself. I know in my heart though this is very wrong and terrifying that
I feel almost a happiness or joy by making people suffer as I do everyday with
the use of violence. I feel no remorse for some of my actions and if anything it
would release this inner rage warrior spirit I had induced within my body for
months and even years at times. This would offer a sense of relief and would
relate to deflating a balloon but the only pressure I relieved was that of my
mind and the thoughts that haunted me. Imagine you have to use the restroom but
can not find access to one. You can withhold the urge fairly easily and it is
not that uncomfortable. The longer you withhold this urge within yourself your
anxiety and almost a physical pain starts to grasp tightly around your body. The
more time that passes your brain starts to release chemicals that
entertain only your undivided attention and the conflict at hand. Finally you
release whats trapped within your body that is only a by product of what you
have ingested. You release these things and your once again relieved of the
pressure that has slowly built up inside you. To me this analogy is a terrifying
reality and truth of the nightmare I have created inside. Not only am I'm
emotionally numb and on the edge I start facing life's fucking mayhem. Things
start to build up within myself as I try to be tolerant of my situations. I hate
violence now to be truthful but I terrify myself in the same sense because I can
not stop this process. I engulf myself with feelings of anger, pain, and run on
a depressed state of consciousness, transforming and bundling my mind into that
of rage and hate that I have learned to harness and control unleashing this
emotion I do not understand quite myself to what I view as a threat or a target
if you want to be politically correct. The fact that I have knocked someone
unconscious and did not stop beating this individual with feelings of joy and
this unknown emotion flowing through me absolutely scared me. I think to myself
am I sick now for feeding off of this or am I weak for not being able to control
this new found power because within my thinking during my actions I felt no
mercy or control. The few people that I
am close with I will die protecting and even though I am adopting a different
method of handling things of this sort I get very stupid when a women is
assaulted. The sad and crazy part about this is it makes me feel better within
myself validating my existence. This is a primal emotion every man carries
within himself but very few have found it. Even more rare is someone that has
found it harnessed it and can control it as I have learned to do. I don't like
to fight these days and view this as a last resort as I know the escalation that
it will lead to. If the opportunity presents itself I'm willing to do whatever
is necessary or deemed fit for my survival and that of my family. I am no
monster and I stand up for whats right in this world I just have my own unique
way of handling things. Sometimes its the principal of things and how you
treat people and I am the one to just handle my business and not contact outside
influences. I have been incarcerated three times now due to my rage and my
new friend that haunts my mind. This was once my protection admit war and I can
only assume fear and the shock of my soundings brings this unknown emotion out.
In the United States this new ability's is a liability as we are not in a
war zone anymore. In my mind I am though in a weird sense. I do not believe
people are out to hurt me or do me harm intentionally but if I perceive the
strangers around me as a threat it protects me and builds a naturally guard up
around myself. This logic makes me feel safe and when this is triggered I am on
edge and I don't understand why. This strange emotion I came to realize was
something I wish I had never encountered for it took my every once of
innocence's away. When your mind brings this emotion to your knowledge and you
learn to control it your life will never be the same. Thankfully I have not had
to use this but I do know it's there. Another admiralty is I do not know what
fear feels like or how it affects you as I have learned in my mind to turn this
completely off. Fear is transformed into anger and the new found energy emotion
and your state of readiness reacts to this new thought process. This protects
you from your own morals and values you once knew from the new evil emotions you
have stumbled upon. You learn to turn off weak emotions. Emotions such as love
and affection are not going to fucking get you to far in a combat environment so
you bury these things deep within you and replace it with the new emotions you
have created that will be the key components dedicated to your survival if that
moment arises. To regulate people you will never understand, but I do hope you
can achieve almost an idea or insight through my pain and reading my most
personal feelings I have portrayed for you. Death is something you accept and no
training or guidance can prepare your mind what you are about to subject
yourself to. War is absolutely ugly in nature and one of the most primitive
feelings I have experienced as a human being. You almost feed off the energy of
the air and the most evil feelings and thoughts run through your mind as if you
were born to take another mans life and feel a accomplishment over this action.
Death is not to be taken lightly but it is also something every last one of us
on this planet will eventually face. It is up to you as to what you fear and one
thing I know from my own personal experiences within myself someone that is not
afraid to sacrifice their life is one man you do not want to piss off. Death is
only a experience and a fragment of this lifetime so why fear it. Death offers a
peace and to someone admits this mayhem its only ending our suffering. Admits
all of this and the changes you experience you start to form a bond like that of
two brothers and it reinforces the one thing that makes us human. You start to
build a relationship no one from the regular world will ever understand. People
once asked me did I believe in war or our cause in the middle east. My answer is
simple and that is I did not get paid to have an opinion. What am I to say if I
don't support it ? This isn't going to get you very far when uncle Sam trains
you and transforms you into this new state of mind. The military trusts you with
a weapon to preform the duty's of your job and issues you a legal license to
take another human beings life under the Geneva convections and that of your
mission. They then ship you half way across the world into a land unforgiving
and filled with hate and distrust for the flag you carry on the right sleeve of
your body. Freedom I inquire about and I wonder what the fuck it truly means to
other people that have not experienced what I have and why so many people take
this for granted. If one could only experience the hate and level of violence
other human beings endeavor humbly from far lands not known to us. Maybe our
country wouldn't have the attitude or depreciation that I see today.
I slowly learned of soldiers I personally knew and had befriended through our
deployment and personal journeys within the Army that were ending this nightmare
I describe by taking their own lives. This absolutely destroys me inside and to
remittance on the leadership and toughness these guys lived by would make even
chuck Norris think twice before crossing. Why and how is it that some of the
most strongest men on the outside could not handle this situation playing out
for most of us returning home to our families and normal lives. I want to
scream when I hear of civilians complaining or judging these individuals and the
thousands like them that have committed suicide instead of bearing this pain or
dealing with it on a individual basis. I reflect my own thoughts of this idea of
ending the pain I live with and the changes I absolutely hate. I fantasize and
romance the idea of my own personal suicide and I can not tell you how many
times I have battled the pros and cons in my head. How much less pain my family
would suffer and the feeling of knowing they do not have to endeavor my struggle
anymore as sadly they do not understand but this does affect them in one way or
another. I think of the pain I would be relived off and the satisfaction of
knowing I could finally be at peace within myself. I hit my rock bottom point
this year and the reality I had created for myself I could not stand nor bear to
live with. The state of depression I was in and the unwillingness to live
anymore created a cocktail for disastrous thoughts . I found myself using
anything I could to escape sobriety with and running seemed almost necessary
even if this means running out of this world as we know it and into the unknown.
Crying and dealing with this pain with the onset that my family was not there
for me made me truly not want to live. Replaying this situation makes my hands
sweat and my legs tremble with Adrenalin because I was completely serious and
determined to end this for my family and myself. Tears weeped as I have always
wanted a family of my own and to enjoy the things in life that people I see
everyday take for granted. This is only a fantasy for someone with this struggle
as I was told I have to love myself before I could love another. I was
intoxicated and no one knew of my plan as I did not want anyone to intervene
with feeling sorry for me or thinking my life was worth saving. Real people
don't talk about it shit just happens. I filled my eyes up with tears and my
nose became ingested with the dope I was emotionally preparing myself for what I
was about to do. Knowing you are about to end your own life and your absolutely
serious with your decision is the most unique feeling. You will feel the most
alive you have ever felt in your life. Memories flicker through your head
and your mind is already drifting off to a peaceful place or time in your life
when you experienced normality and life was simple and fulfilling. I lifted the
glock to my head and a feeling of numbness overcame me as I started to become
very angry and this emotion I explain overcame my body. I pulled the trigger and
to my failure I only hear a click of the hammer falling forward. I am screaming
with disappointment as to why God will not let me do this Its not fucking fair
to me as I can not deal with this pain or suffering. I dropped the pistol and
cried by myself and felt a remorse for what I had just done and the anxiety
kicked in. Looking back I still can not believe I found the courage to do that
or maybe my judgment was clouded. I picked up the gun and I knew that I did not
have the courage within me to pull that trigger a second time. I discharged the
receiver thinking I did not chamber the round and to my surprise a round ejected
from the weapon. I inspected the bullet and the hammer did strike. I felt
even more at shame and tears poured from my face like rain. For the first
time I dropped to my knees and prayed to a man I was disgusted with for allowing
the things I had seen and the changes and sacrifice's I gave up to uphold what I
did for my country. I thanked him and asked him for forgiveness. Only a close
friend knows of this and now you do but don't be afraid or seek pity for me I
only want you to relive my state of mind at the time. The first time in my life
by myself sitting intoxicated with tears pouring down my face I realized I
needed to make some major changes within me and studied myself in the smoke
stained mirror until time seemed to drift and I almost found myself in a state
of shock. I pulled my emotions together and muster the dignity and courage to
reach out to the closest thing I had to family at the time. I call a
childhood friend that I thought was there for me to come and take this weapon
away from me before I decide to reconsider my new attitude on life. The response
I get was of they were busy and would maybe stop by and was questioned about gas
money even though he still owes me money. I think to myself if I had told them I
just pulled the trigger with the barrel to my head would you feel sorry enough
for me to act like a true friend ? Sadly his own envious jealously ended our
friendship but thats how it works and someone that plays into their own
insecurities of envying me I take as a compliment. I reflect on a handful of
people who I considered friends telling me throughout the years that they could
always count on me as I have bailed multiple fakes out of jail and other things.
Were are they now as I sacrificed a high paying job because I'm not a
snitch and took my fate over disloyalty even when I was not guilty just brave
and fearless of police. Am I just naive to the intentions of the people I
surround myself with or am I deserving of such fate. I don't understand it and I
slowly pushed everyone I had known away further. Fuck these people I have no
room for them in my life anymore. I realize now that truly I was jumping over
oceans while the fakeness I surround myself with wouldn't brave a mud puddle.
Thats the price you pay to learn a hard lesson in life. Even while writing this
I can honestly count on two fingers how many friends I have that are true.
Depression still haunted my life and everyday I wake up I wish that fucking
bullet went into my head instead of me suffering like I was at the time. I am
pleading for help and even though I am not saying it directly I think the tone
in my voice would let one know that I was scared alone and terrified of myself.
The feelings that engulfed my head were that of shame, guilt, failure,
depression and anger. Is this what I am to endure for the rest of my life ? Does
this ever go away or get better to cope with I ask myself and I still am a
believer to death over this battle is what I choose. No man should have to carry
this burden or put his friends and family through what I have. I do not
understand why though and maybe I never will fully. Where did things go wrong
was I destined for this since birth or did my immature actions of a adolescent
stir me into this path rather than that of a outstanding intelligent college
graduate your family wants you to be. I can say I raised my hand during a time
of war and to some critics I knew what I was getting myself into but the war
within yourself you will never be prepared and I hope that my views opinions and
life encounters with good and evil can help you stir in the right direction. I
am twenty six years old and have more wisdom then most men twice my age. I am
not suicidal while writing this and my state of mind is not depressed but I do
wish I can still end this pain. I wake up everyday and sometimes I try to force
my body back into the deep sleep I only imagine death as being. For this is the
most peace I have experienced since leaving this country a young man with a huge
heart and a yearning for acceptance love and family. Welcome to fucking War its
going to be great.
Depression, anxiety, grief, emotionless and anger
is what I feel and walk around with on a daily basis. Some days are better then
others but in the end it all has the same result. My life has been turned upside
down because I could not process the thoughts that are trapped within my head. I
laugh to myself when I meet these posers claiming to be war hero's and the glory
and gratitude they seek at bars from women they are trying to seduce. I wish
I could give them what little glory I contributed and maybe they will
realize its not as glorious as expected. They can also have the emotional
bullshit that comes along with this burden as a extra bonus that we as combat
veterans keep to ourselves. I do not understand why people look at me as some
hero, I did not fight in historic battles and rain the massive amount of brass
down on Americas new found enemy's we call terrorist. I only did my job which to
me was not that significant and the only fond memory's is of my 1Sgt Thaddeus
Richards and his mission to make my life hell making me a better soldier in the
long run. I miss that angry man and all of his hatred towards me as thats how
they express they care about you. Maybe to these people in their eyes I am a
hero but to myself I am ashamed and feel guilt confusion comes along with this
as I do not fully understand why I have these emotions. Hero's are among us
though as I have had the privilege to met some. I know a man that served in
world war two and has two purple hearts. I only know him as Mr Paul and he wears
the burden of my great grandfathers generation upon his face with honor. He sits
outside sipping Jack Daniels whiskey and conversing with his dog that runs
freely around the yard and I feel Mr Paul receives a peace within this as such a
innocent thing in this world will never be exposed to the actually horror I
could only imagine this man faced in his prime. I conversed with him and he
offers a lesson of wisdom that a young man seeks from his elders. We catch up on
the normal small talk two strangers would exchange and I interrupt him suddenly
with a nervous tone in my voice and ask him bluntly if it gets any better.
He looks at me straight in the eyes and sees my pain I assume and with a raspy
voice he begins to say something but stops because he is already choking up. He
pulls his emotions together and holds back and in his raspy voice and tears
feeling his eyes he explains you try to forget and move on with your life as
this is just a small chapter and you will have many amazing life experiences. He
takes a sip from his glass and contradicts his advice and I feel as if he was
reading a script. He breaks down and says but its just a bunch of horse shit
son. You will cope with this and your life will go on but you will never forget
your experiences you had and you will never be the same person you once were.
Tears filled my eyes and I held back myself from displaying my weakness as this
man is a genuine hero and my sorrows will never compare to his. We then begin to
talk about old friends, the leaders that made an impact in our life, and the
silly stories we all have to share. I felt honored to even have the opportunity
to sip whiskey with someone of this stature and I cherished his advice he gave
me. Privately when I was alone I reflected back on this intoxicated now and it
broke my heart seeing the pain this Hero carried with him for so long. I loss
myself in my drunken emotions and I felt rage and anger towards our society and
the lack of willingness to understand these struggles I am painting out in your
head right now. I pick the bottle up and take a gulp of the liquor and at this
point I do not need a chaser and the burn of the alcohol just reminds me that I
can still feel pain. This actually comforts me somehow for I always thought if
you can't feel physically pain then your at the front door of this worlds
departure. My mind starts to race again and the anger is coming back that I run
from. The rage sets in and I get extremely angry only at myself and question the
things I do not have the answers to anymore. Why can't I feel love, why do I
push the people away that care about me the most in this world. Why do I push
women away that try to get close. Why am I a shitty boyfriend, a shitty son, and
a shitty brother and grandson. I think to myself hard and even though I am
intoxicated this is still not enough to drive these thoughts out of my head that
haunt me daily. I chop out a line of the poison I consider my antidote for this
nightmare and escape from this thought process I consider a living hell and the
embarrassment I have created called my life. This goes on for months even years
the same battle. You see the substances offers a passage, a escape from the war
that has invited its front lines into my mind. I personally do not enjoy the
part of drugs and alcohol that most do but the fact that it drives the front
lines away and offers almost a peace and understanding with a false sense of
reality that everything going to be okay. The high is not what drives me and if
I could obtain the same affect from chugging water then by all means I would
indulge in that as I hate knowing what this could really lead to in my life. My
mind plays tricks and justifies my understanding of this war by convincing
myself everything will be okay lets not think about tomorrow as last time I
reflected upon my future it led to a failed suicide.
Something started to change one evening early this summer it came to me like a runaway train.
Unstoppable in nature ambushing me when I least expected it. I started to
reflect on a couple things within myself and to my surprise soberly for the
first time I started to become very emotional and I closed the door of the room
I was staying as to not show weakness or invite anyone into this war I had been
fighting for so long by myself. I started to rain tears like a freshly dumped
teenage girl and even though they say as a man you are not suppose to cry this
experience was truly the most amazing thing that had happened to me in a really
long time. I thought about my mistakes my failures and to my dismay the anger
and rage I so cowardly ran from all these years did not show up to fight this
time. This was very new to me and I did not know how to take this in as this was
the first time in a sober state of mind I had experienced this. The pain started
to erupt and the flood of emotions that entered my body I could not process or
comprehend. I quickly intoxicate myself as I do not want to deal with this shit
and maybe to me it had became so routine as I almost knew what was next. I sat
there and the false sense of feelings the substance had over my body pushed this
away. I can't face this I think its terrifying to even myself and how am I to
explain this to someone that could never relate to any issues I lay in front of
you. I had put up so many walls and felt so emotionally numb that other peoples
opinion absolutely did not bother me. I consider myself to display honor and
even though I know you are slandering my image I will not slander yours as I
know I could. I forgive these people as they do not know what I deal with. I
hardly know what I deal with and there ignorance of their actions should not
cost them the same cast of stones that I endure from people. Is this sickening
to read to yourself as it is to me ? I do not know why my thought process
is like this and deep down I wish that I could obtain my revenge upon these
people but I hold my tongue every single time. I start to understand something
within myself in a sober state of mind that has not shown its face since I had
stepped my foot back on American soil. I clearly remember being on the plane
home with a feeling I can never describe in words of joy and a sigh of relief
that my job was complete. Little did I know at the time that my personal war had
just begun.
During my transition within my personal war and this new
found victory I had accomplished I had started to council to one person and
built a level of trust and bond I don't think anyone would ever imagine. I
studied his character actions and his charisma he displayed to everyone else. I
listened more and started to get a understanding of what being a truly genuine
person was about. I kept my admiration to myself and never told him that I
secretly aspired to become the man he is. I have met many great leaders and I do
not know if this was different because my new role model was family now or for
the fact I had earned respect within someone that sets the standard high. He
indirectly taught me to be discipline as they did in the Army, to be patient,
and most importantly do not listen to your foes hatred. Do not let others
judgment upon myself be the mirror in which I cast my own reflection. I was
taught that struggle builds character and the easy way out will only lead you
out to sea. A sense of humbleness was cast upon myself and I can honestly say I
have not been humble in quite sometime. I am thankful for the small things in
life and the moments I cherish the most is on the back porch smoking Marlboro
ultra lights and having a few laughs as men. I trust this man I speak of more
then anyone in this world and he honestly does not know it until now but has
lead me down a path of becoming a better man and has also indirectly saved me
from the madness that was a part of my life. He was a warrior helping me fight
my battles and to my surprise was an effective tool only by showing me a
perspective in which to think. This war that I had kept to myself started to
become vicious with me prevailing and overcoming what I could never do own my
own. Sobriety started to actually become something I looked forward to and a lot
of changes started to happen within myself. I started to view the world in
metaphors and found everything from your television, music, movies, and even a
strangers conversation was a unsaid lesson that could be learned and applied to
my life to give me an insight of wisdom. The book of Monte Castro is a great
example of what I am trying to paint for you and though the book is a little
dull and boring it offers a since of hope that one man sacrificed himself as he
seen the potential of Monte Castro when no one else did. I do look forward to
the pale women entering my life and I am to only dream of a beautiful fate that
he had.
A lot of things were going on that I could not explain within myself
. I did not know how to take in this new change of character and the sense
of relief I had felt that I was winning the war I so desperately wanted to end.
During this time I had always kept these emotions to myself and I started to
have outside influences on what I should do in my life. I consider myself a
young leader and though I might not have what I envision just yet that will not
change my mindset to that of a follower. I was injured in my life and not to
many people knew this and only assumed what they thought was the real issue at
hand. I had a handful of people come into my life that influenced me into
thinking they were there for me when really I was just a pawn on their
chessboard. I started to become aggravated at this situation and to them I was
harmless but if they truly knew what I knew a level of respect would have been
given. If my thoughts could be seen maybe it would have for casted a warning of
what happens when you provoke a combat veteran with PTSD or whatever medical
term you want to label this emotion I found.
I kept these things to myself and made a oath of silence
that I will always uphold and honor. I am predetermined to keep this within
myself and by all means uphold my word so take this as a metaphor and a lesson
that I do not know anyone or anything. I adopted this policy and live by
it as one of my core values.
During this time and the changes I was
experiencing I became excited as things I once knew started to return. Only
slight and only small hints of progress were being made but to me this was a
milestone. I started to open up and its pretty heartbreaking for myself to see
the walls and emotional barriers that me myself and I had created. I looked in
the mirror and for the first time in a very long time I could look myself in the
eyes and not feel shame. This was a huge step in my road to recovery as that
brought back the self confidence I once knew. My sprite's became awakened and
for the first time the war I thought I was fighting alone I knew I was wrong.
They are few and far between but I have had people beside me through this and
their loyalty will never go unspoken. I adopted certain principles that I
thought would lead me into becoming real or genuine that I so secretly strive to
be. I instilled more core values into me as I would not lie and I would not
cheat nor steal in no shape of form and most importantly to honor my word for
that is all I have left and sadly I have tarnished that but with due time I will
restore my creditability. I started to live by these principles and quickly
realized this is a very uncommon occurrence and to most this will actually get
you no where. I started to throw my thoughts on paper as a very amazing person
taught me to do over the summer as you do not forget your thoughts. This friend
has lead me to create this and the gratitude I have is incomparable to anything
else. I learned a lot of that journey and I only regret that our friendship
ended by the hands of my enemy's in this world. I do apologize for that and
karma has already paid them a visit but that doesn't change the fact of what
happened. I then seen the years of pain I have endured and what emotional roller
coaster I have put everyone around me through. I can honestly state the fact now
my war is not over but my opposition within my thoughts is not controlling my
life anymore. Love, happiness, trust and joy started to return and writing all
of this helps me see my progress.
I'm not a success story and even
though I wish I had a better tale as the men do going from rags to riches this
is my story and my struggle. I have a long road ahead of myself and to repair
damages I have personally caused and created in my life. No matter what I try to
keep a positive attitude these days but the idea of things being to gone to
repair are gloaming in the background. I'm border lined homeless at the moment
and who knows whats next as I cherish everyday I have and I'm fighting like hell
to get up. I live my life differently now but I can not convince certain members
of my family of this. I do not know why I seek their approval and I often get
hurt trying to please others wishes and I am forced to portray myself as someone
I am not to make themselves happy and feed into their own insecurities of being
a good parent. Maybe one day I will be forgiven maybe not but one thing I am
assure of this is not going to dictate my success. I consider myself a young
leader and move forward at any cost. This year has taught me how to be a man,
not everyone in your face is your friend and doing the right thing doesn't get
you very far. I have stood proudly when most would have folded. Put myself into
dangerous situations not fully telling the people around me the extent of my
sacrifices and feelings. I have experienced my own karma from my past mistakes
as I stuck my neck out for two individuals that I used to care about and
sticking by there side caused me to get wrapped up in their own mistakes and
ultimate me paying the price for their redemption. I was kicked out of someones
house and scorned as crazy only for the fact that I cared about his wellbeing as
a friend tremendously and he was to blinded by his own bullshit to fully
understand that the road he had chosen was not very healthy for him. I smile to
myself when I hear of people talking of me even though it's fucking hard at
times. I know I am destined for amazing things in my life and I have a tough
mission to accomplish ahead and this attitude is what keeps me
driven.
I have built character and have started to feel the emotions I
once lost. Things are changing and I can honestly say the pain I walked around
with for so long is starting to heal and subside its grip upon my life. I wake
up everyday with the determination to become the best man I can with the
resources I have at my disposal. Being real I strive for and it defines me as a
leader in the future. Happiness has started to take shape and even though I have
very little, I am more spiritually wealthy then I have ever been in my entire
life. In this journey I have seen some amazing things that all most shocks you
and for a moment you think the world isn't so cold. Friends are to be cherished
because a genuine real friend is something very rare in this world and if your
so lucky to have that bond hold on to it as if your life depends on it. I try to
see the good in people these days and to hear another persons dreams and
ambitions only motivates me furtherer into mine. I truly believe money can not
buy love, happiness, trust, loyalty, and family. I once told this to a man with
money and was laughed at. The funny part about the situation is he will never
compare to the man I am inside as his moral compass is misguided and broken so
much I'm not sure how he makes it to his bathroom every
morning.
It does bother me that I can not tell people of the things I once was dealing
with inside my head and from my heart I would not put that pain on them nor would they fully
understand. I know I'm not the person others wants me to be but soon the same
people that cast shadow on my journey and throw judgments from my family will
know I will become one of the most inspiring people they have ever met. The
drama I deal with present day and the judging assuming and casting will be
forgiven by me as I am one to think family sticks together no matter what and
when times get hard you pull tighter not pull away. I'm a firm believer that
success and change are within reach of us all. You just have to scrape, fight,
overlook, and keep a degree of vigilance from snakes trying to do what they do
best. I'm no coward as well and I can honestly state I'm doing the damn thing in
front of everyone watching hoping I fail. I have released there are a certain
group of individuals that get a high off of my misery. This still confuses me as
to why but I guess when your envious of my heart and mind I can see why this is
so.
I do hope I have gotten my point across with my recent actions
that I am actually embarrassed of. Deep down it was a last cry for help.
still have my demons I fight but I am getting better. I really do hate this
route but if my family is ever threatened again Ive made a promise within myself
to act fast and swift on the issue and to come up with a positive solution. I'm
sure I'll make the lye choice in the matter. Prison does not scare me and it's a
cheap price or sacrifice to pay to protect what I love and cherish most in this
world. I'm already mentally scarred and messing with what I love in my life
brings out that battle field of emotions in my head. I have also found writing
this out for who knows to read helps me collect my thoughts and makes me release
how mentally corrupt I truly am to when I read this back to myself. Maybe this
or something to the degree will be the start of a voice that we as veterans go
unheard. I feel as if my pain mistakes and accomplishments will shed light on
the issues veterans like myself go through in our daily lives. Six months ago I
would not have written something like this as I felt ashamed and did not want
the people reading this today to judge me based upon something I could not
control. I for see it now as a tool to motivate someone else or give guidance to
someone dealing with these matters to seek help and not make the mistakes I did.
I want my legacy to continue and prevail no matter what the outcome may unfold.
I want my voice heard and most importantly I want people to be genially happy.
I'm pressuring a dream of starting an Investment Firm made up of employing
everyday people and take this anger and fight to cooperate America that houses
the greedy coperations and CEO'S that I despise. I want to start a non-profit
organization aiming at helping at risk veterans before they self destruct
as I did. Life is truly amazing and God has given me a second chance and I will
succeed no matter how tough this journey ahead of me may be.
I love my country but disagree with the things happening right now within my Government. I
raised my hand during a time of war and sacrificed my time and sadly to admit my
sanity for this Country. Reading this may inspire others to see my perspective
and understand the bigger picture of this mayhem some veterans live with. I used
to believe you had to come from something to be something sadly you forge your
own path I have come to learn. I do not regret anything about my life and do not
seek sympathy from this. I only beg for forgiveness for my past mistakes and
even though I would like to entertain the idea of total redemption other people
do not let go very easy. I don't blame them and only ask for a chance in the
future to make things right. To most redemption is nothing more then a word
tossed around on social media potentially with some witty quote next to a
picture of a historically leader. To me its a peace, a change, a place in life
were you decide instead of judging others you take a hard look in the mirror.
That day I committed the biggest mistake of my life I started to change myself
for the better. I have been to combat and I am proud to admit that only 1% of
our population holds that honor. I am blessed for the pain the experience and
most of all the brotherhood I received and now a part of. The Army was a huge
part of my life and even though it turned me into a stand up for what you love,
fearless, loyal warrior the values that were driven into me far outweigh the
bad. I learned this year attitude really does define you as a person even though
individuals make you feel like a outcast and love to kick you when your down.
I do not know what my next move is and even though my life has become
a empty shell of loneliness I am trying to keep the attitude that will drive me
towards success and my dreams but I will admit this is very hard as my personal
war has cost me everything besides a few materialistic possessions that are
being held hostage due to my lack of foundation that I only want and need to
fully win this battle. Everyday is a constant reminder of my mistakes and the
impact of my life experiences I have lived through. I am not ashamed to admit I
grew up on Joann Dr in Brunswick GA. It has defined me as the man I will become
and when I do accomplish my dreams it will make me appreciate what I have that
much more for I will provide a different lifestyle to my children that I did not
have. Family is very important to me and even though I feel as if I don't have
much of a family it will make me cherish mine and protect it when God does see
fit I deserve my own. I will forever remember this year as it draws down to a
end as the year I took a stand. I do not know what next year has in store for me
but I do know what I have in store for it. The few that has stuck by my side
will always have my loyalty and gratitude and the one man that believed in me
the most and never dropped his loyalty to me is who help sparked this.
I want to personally thank you for reading my deepest thoughts and
emotions and I only ask you to please keep your personal opinions to yourself if
you disagree with anything you have read. This is a very big step for me but I
feel as if my story can help others and shed light on what veterans face. The
general population is only going to see what is put forth in front of them and
today's society the news and media is not helping our cause. One in five
veterans commit suicide returning home from our recent wars in Afghanistan and
Iraq with most of us under twenty five years of age. We do not seek sympathy nor
ridicule but understanding of what we face. Life is short and we only receive
what we put in to it. I only pray my story can help others and learn from my
mistakes. If you are going through hell contact me as I have been there and I am
still on that path. We owe this to our brothers and sisters that did not make it
home and we owe this to each other. I want to personally thank Wounded Warrior
Project for stepping into my life and I look forward to working with you in the
future. Thanks for reading my innermost thoughts and Godspeed to all.
Youngner, Joshua Cole