I reflect back on the changes that have transpired and the time that has seemed to have flown by. I am already about to turn a new chapter and I cannot believe the direction in which my life is headed towards. I think about the day several months ago as I sat intoxicated and I made a vow to change. I would say that day is the day I committed myself to get things under control and take back my life as my life had turned upside down. I did not like the man facing back in the mirror and I was determined to change that. I will also add I have not been as committed to anything as this in my adult life. It has taken everything to stand tall and move forward against everything around me and change the man that I am starting to become. I have learned change is difficult and is something I have struggled with for quite some time. I have always wanted it, but I was afraid to grasp it. I would say I have embraced it at this point and I am content with the person I am becoming. I remember those times how hard it was to keep going and how close I was to giving up. I think to myself how I had the courage to keep moving and I don’t know the answer still. These have been some of the most trying moments of my life but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I found out who I was during these times and I have learned a lot about life during my hardest times as a man. It was during my lowest point in life that I decided what I wanted to do in life and even though the people around me laughed I am now on my way to making my dreams a reality. I can’t say that I wasn’t tiresome and the sight of disperse could be seen upon my face but the day I decided to change things is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I can say things are starting to come together for me and change is taking place not only in my heart but also in my life.
I am letting go of the past and what I have done and most importantly I am forgiving myself for the things I have done and have participated in as it seems I hold myself accountable for more then I should. I have paid my dues and I feel as if I am forgiven now and most importantly I forgive me as well. I can’t change the past and I know this. I am finally letting go and leaving this place in the days to come will change a new chapter. With this I will be leaving my sorrows behind as to not hinder me with what is in front of me. For quite some time now I have taken out a lot of abuse on myself and I know this sounds crazy but I have put myself through this self-destructive path. This is the time I let go and not be so hard on myself as no matter how much I take it out on myself, no matter how much self-hatred I inflict upon my life, it will not change the past and I accept this. This has been hard to accept but I finally love me and I accept me for me and the things that have happened are in the past. Change isn’t easy like I said but it has been a working progress. So I find myself at a crossroad in my life and I look back at the man I used to be. I can’t believe things get that bad but life didn’t come with a how to guide and I didn’t have the best odd’s at that. It’s not about where you come from as my little sister can be a prime example as she just graduated from college with a bachelor in chemistry. I remember her looking up to me for “going to war” but little does she know war is easy, you just do your job and everything else is provided. I am the one that has the admiration as she put herself through college working a full time job and taking out student loans. I guess life is what you make it you just have to ask yourself how bad you want it. Do you want it bad enough that you are willing to hurt for it? Are you willing to sacrifice anything you have for the moment to obtain everything you ever wanted for the future? It has taken me twenty seven years to figure this mentality out. For the first time in my life I wanted something out of life so badly I was willing to hurt for it. I was willing to do whatever is necessary to become successful in obtaining that want. I wanted a change, to get better, and to prove to everyone I am a better man then what I was portraying at the time. I think I have accomplished that at this point and I am perfectly content with the change that has transpired inside. I’ll never forget that day when I sat by myself and for the first time in my life I wrote out goals for my life and I wanted something so badly it hurt. I sat there and realized I am going to change and I didn’t care what people thought, said, or did towards me. I was going to go out and make it happen because I wanted it so badly it hurt inside. I was committed to something for the first time in my life that day and have been since that nothing was going to stop me from obtaining my goals. I had the mindset that nothing was going to stop me. Turning a new chapter will bring new challenges and new obstacles. Ill embraces these things openly knowing that this road is a lonely road and not too many dare to venture the path I lead. Learning to become a leader is new to me and I have to learn day by day. I know what I want to accomplish in this lifetime isn’t going to be easy as nothing that is worthy comes easy they say. I want this more than ever. Not for me but for others as this holds a special meaning in its self. I grew up helping others and my most cherished moments growing up revolved around helping the community in one way or another. I cannot believe how fast things have rapidly moved forward in my life and looking back I couldn’t picture myself were I am at now. It’s crazy how life is sometimes and I thank God every day for the changes I have made inside, the family I have and the life I am living. Things are getting better and time is passing. I’ve picked myself up from the rut I have found myself in and have gotten back to what I know best. Honestly being here at this place and time has been the best thing for me. I have been able to get my mind back as I feel as it was taken hostage for quite some time. It’s takes a lot of strength to stand tall and do what I have done, even if it means standing alone at times. I guess that’s what being a leader all is about. Following the crowd is something I was never raised to do and I can Cleary remember my mother telling me to never follow the crowd when I was a young child. I am moving forward quickly at this point in my life and I can’t believe how drastically my life has changed in just one year. I think about the pain I’ve been through and the endeavors that motivate me to push harder with the things I want to accomplish in this life. One thing that has been hard for me is the hatred or maybe the vindictive mentality I can’t seem to shake. It’s not a good quality and I know this but when you have been through what I have it’s hard to not have these emotions towards certain people places and things. Maybe one day I can forgive and let go but one thing is soldier is I will never forget. I’ll never forget the betrayal and I’ll never forget the ones that left me when I needed them the most. I sit by myself and I wonder why things happened the way they did at times and honestly I still become dumbfounded to the reasons but I am grateful for it as it leads me to where I am at now. Sometimes it seems God puts you through hell to teach you things and molds you into the person he wants you to be. It’s almost a catch twenty two as well as I learned my best lessons in life during my hardest part in life. I still have a lot of resiment though and I guess that’s okay but I have learned you can’t expect too much from people especially when times get tough. When things get deep loyalties will be tested and friendships will be stretched to the point of destruction. I hate it though I wish I could turn back the pages and make things the way they used to be. Things were simple then before all the bullshit and before everyone gotten themselves into the madness of life. Sadly that is not the case but it’s nice to think about from time to time, I can only look at the future and what the future holds for me now. Present day there is no mayhem in my life is actually quite boring. I had someone come into my life as well that I didn’t expect. That person seems to understand me and that’s a great feeling that you don’t have to be someone you’re not just to gain their approval. I’m happy with the way my life has turned and looking back I wish I could change a thing or two but that’s the way the game goes sometimes. Being a soldier comes with heartache and pain but that’s just a small infraction of the bigger picture. Soldiers move forward and fight at all costs there is no time to think about the battles we have lost only time to prepare for the battles we are going into. Life is crazy and it seems like it’s getting shorter the older I get. I know one day this pain will be justified but for right now it’s still fresh on my mind like a wound that’s hard to heal. I use it as my motivation to drive harder into the darkness when the days seem grim and I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to drive on. I use it as reminder to remember where I came from and where I refuse to return. I strive to better myself every day in one way or another and it’s a good feeling inside to here feedback from others that know me best. This journey has been a crazy one and I know in my heart the real journey is has only begun.
|