My life is changing rapidly and all the hard work I have put forth is starting to show as I am slowly regaining the things that I once lost. I can say life has humbled me and I am grateful for the people that have crossed my path helping me better myself as a person. I used to be alone in this or at least that is the way I felt for a long time but now I can see the people by my side supporting me and giving me guidance to get back on my feet. It has been humiliating to become honest with people and explain to them the destructive life I once lead. I remember just dreaming about the things I want to accomplish and I had a vision that no one could see but now I am going the path to work for those things. I will soon be a full time student and making a big transition in my life. I am grateful for the bad experiences and even though that sounds insane it was within my darkest hours that I learned what is important in this life. Some people learn the easy way but unfortunately I have always been hard headed. Rebuilding what was torn has been a huge challenge and the humility that follows this process is something I will always keep with me. I don’t think I am a success story but I can hold my head up and be proud of myself for the things I have already accomplished. I wake up every day and remind myself why I continue down this path. It has been difficult for me to stay focused as everyday along the way the temptation of the past is lurking around every corner. I try to contain my anger towards these things but at this point my opinion of the situation is you will never reach your destination if you stop and throw rocks at every dog that barks at you. It’s tempting but I have to remind myself is this going to help me achieve my goals or is this going to hurt me in the long run. At this point in my life I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore and I don’t seek the approval of who I am from people that are intolerant of the path I lead. The people that matter to me are the ones I focus my time and energy at this point in my life. It’s difficult to stand against adversity but it has been something I have gotten used to at this point. I read a lot about great leaders and how they faced adversity and accomplished the things they set out to do. I have found that people that can face adversity and still accomplish their goals are people worth remembering. It’s what you do in the face of adversity and how you carry yourself is what’s most important. I used to be embarrassed for the things I struggled with as unless you have walked through the shoes that I have you can never imagine how hard that path may be.
My time were I am currently am coming to a close and soon the next chapter of my life will be beginning. I have gained a lot from going through this experience and it has shaped me into the person I am now. I look back at where I started from and it reminds me of the pain I have had to endure to get to where I am at now. One thing I never lost was my faith that I could be standing were I am at now. Through all of it I never lost my faith even more so when it seemed as if the world was against me at some points. My faith is the one thing that kept me pushing forward and has delivered to the place I am at now. Keeping faith that everything is going to fall into place is difficult and jumping into the darkness was the hardest part of the journey I am on. I couldn’t see the things I have now because I was fearful of the steps I had to take to regain these things. It’s almost as if you are bungee jumping off of a high bridge. How do you know if the rope is going to hold you and not break? It’s difficult but it was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I stand tall and keep it pushing forward and I am grateful for the experiences I have gained.
I write a lot about change and my changes that I have made in my life. I only hope that someday I can look back at my thoughts and it will be a reminder of what I am trying to overcome. I look up to the great leaders we see and I ask myself what was it that they had that made them different from all the rest. I have found something amongst all of them that stands out the most. That is the ability to overcome adversity and failures. It seems the greatest of champions have this unique ability to rise about the adversity and the perseverance to continue the fight towards their goals or objectives. I look at my life and seek the strength to overcome my own adversity and rise above my own obstacles in life. I don’t think I compare to the people I look up to but I envy there dedication they have to achieving the things in life that I want.
I have almost overcome the struggles in which I used to see no end to. It seems shortly ago I was alone and literally battling for my life. Depression and anger had such a grip on my life that I couldn’t see myself coming out of it. I fought everyday with these issues and the only relief I had was the one thing that was slowly killing me. I have learned new skills to cope with the problems we as combat veterans face. It’s a cold world I have learned and just because you are a good person doesn’t mean people will be good to you. This world chewed me up and spit me out and I can’t even describe the shame that would overcome me as I found myself in a hospital once again. People snickering and laughing at things they will never be able to comprehend. I used to struggle with what others would say and I don’t think anyone wants to be out casted. Others might say they don’t care what others think of them but personally I did care. I was so focused on what others thought and said I lost focus on myself and my life. Just because someone thinks you are a failure doesn’t mean you have to think you are a failure. I have failed more than I would like to admit and I remember isolating myself as I did not even want to show my face to the world. I would get caught up in this self-pity and I didn’t see myself moving forward after falling down once again. This changed as I have learned what is important in this life. It doesn’t matter what others think, what matters is what you think of yourself. I remember pulling myself out of isolation I am describing to you and dusting myself off. I would remind myself of why I still continue to move forward and I would envision the things I want to accomplish. It’s a great feeling personally to get back on my feet. I made some decisions six months ago and I haven’t looked back. I have not fallen in a while and even though I am out of the darkness that haunted my life I do not become compliant. I have to remind myself Dailey of the feelings of shame that I once had as my past motivate me to fight harder to overcome the things I have faced. People ask me what was it that made me continue down the path I lead and my reply is simple. I don’t know if I am going to make it but I have faith that I will.
Having faith is something that is very crucial to overcoming anything in this life. It’s throwing yourself blindly into the darkness and even though you might not be able to see the light you have faith that it is coming. Six months ago I did just exactly that and I cannot be more proud of my decision. It’s been a tough road to get to where I am at now and I am proud to say that my life is changing rapidly for the better. I have been informally accepted into an educational program that I used to always talk about but never seen myself actually falling through with it. It’s the small things in life that gives you hope to continuing what you started. It’s faith that things will get better that gave me the courage to continuing to fight through the darkest hours of my life. Things present day are not as gloomy as now I strive to help others to continue to fight through their own darkness. This chapter of my life will soon be behind me and I will be on my way to achieving the things that I only dream of today. I will never forget the memories that I have had to live through over the past couple of years because it was in my darkest hours in life that I learned my best life lessons. I have learned what keeping it real truly means and the ones beside me at my lowest will be the ones with me at my highest. I used to be alone and it seemed the whole world was against me but now I have built a solid support system and I can pick up my phone and reach out to people that truly care about me. Some say that I am an inspiration and even though personally I don’t agree it is something that I am still trying to get used to. It really is simple just don’t give up no matter how gloomy things look and what others might say don’t give up.
Things are coming together slowly these days and I can’t quite put my mind around the fact the worst is behind me now. Maybe I expect the worst these days and when things are going for the better it almost feels foreign. Change is difficult but I can say at least at this point in my life things are looking for the better. I have been told I don’t give myself enough credit that I have turned things around. I don’t think I have done anything significate to credit myself I just couldn’t stand the fact that my life had turned upside down. I think about the day I write about I sat by myself and wrote out how I wanted my life to transpire into. It seemed just a faint daydream in which the reality I am living in today. It’s been almost six months ago and I am on track with what I put on paper such a short time ago. I have met some of the most amazing people during these few months into my recovery and I feel God has placed certain people in my life for a reason. I tell people I didn’t do anything great I just never quit. I think that is the best advice I can give anyone going through hell. Michael Jordan says I was successful because I failed. I can relate to that as I have failed more so then I have achieved. Each time though when the feeling of shame and guilt flowed through me and I didn’t even want to face anyone as I already knew what people were going to say. Each time though I got back up and I continued what I started even when faced with adversity and criticism I held my head as high as I could and tried to pretend that things didn’t affect me as much as they did. There is a good quote that sticks with me and it says when the storm has passed you might not even know if it us fully gone but one thing you do know is you’re not the same person as you were going into the storm. My storm seems to be subsiding and I honestly don’t know if it’s truly gone but I can say I am not the same person as I once was. Things that I thought used to be important are now very different then the things I believe are important now at this point in my life.
I strive everyday now to become a better person but it seems one thing I struggle with is the rage that’s trapped inside me. Anger in the Army is encouraged but controlled and it what drives the warfighter community. Weakness is pushed out of you and you are screamed at constantly to create chaos in which war is. How do you turn it off when you reenter the civilian world? When you are labeled as having PTSD you almost carry the stigma that follows with it. People that have never sacrificed anything in their lives almost look down upon you and cast judgment. The anger I run from at times seems to bear its ugly head from time to time when I am looked down upon for some of the things I have faced in this life. I guess there will always be people analyzing your every move and being the first ones to point out your flaws. I still struggle with these type of people as it seems walking away is not programmed into my brain. I have just about overcame everything, the depression, the addiction, the numbness that casts it shadow on me and even the acceptance that something inside of me is broken. One thing I still can’t seem to come to terms is my rage that is trapped inside me. It’s almost a yearning and when my body releases those chemicals it’s almost the best drug one could imagine. I have learned our brains get rewired to release dopamine when feelings of anger, rage, and confrontation come about. I guess it’s the brains way of dealing with traumatic events but whatever the cause I can’t seem to shake it. I like to carry myself with respect with others but when this is triggered I am ready to unleash hell on the most unworthy confrontation. I hear it takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem with certain things but I can say unless you are honest about things you will never get better. I think sometimes I get mad at my situation more than anything. It’s that since of entitlement we carry but in my opinion how is it wrong to get mad when the things we fought for are not being provided for us. It seems when you have that label you’re already the bad guy in any situation. I don’t give myself a great defense when I show my ass at the most insignificant of things. I don’t have any control of it and sometimes I don’t think people believe that or maybe they can’t understand the fact of not having control over your emotions. It’s on or off, zero to one hundred with not stopping in between. It’s something the military almost teaches you to not think nor hesitate to only act upon your emotions. I can say this it has been harder to reverse this thought process then it was to learn it.
This chapter of my life is almost coming to a close. I have accomplished a lot in the short amount of time I have been at the VA. I'm not quite were I want to be just yet but I am able to see the light and the darkness isn't so gloomy anymore. Things are moving forward and I can see the light finally.
Things are rapidly changing in my life and honestly a short time ago I couldn’t see myself at where I am at now. Change is difficult and one of the hardest things that I have had to endure to overcome what I have been faced with. It seems like not much has changed but when I look back from where I started everything is different. I believe when you stop focusing on what people believe about you or what the opinions of others might say about your life takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to accomplish if you’re not doing it for yourself then you have already failed. This is a life lesson I have had to learn the hard way more than I can count. My journey has been long and I could say it has been easy but I would be telling a bold face lie. It has been painful and I have wanted to quit more times than I can count. I remember telling myself countless times things are going to get better and somehow this gave me the assurance to continue on to fight the next battle. My life currently isn’t what I envision quite yet but I am well on my path now to that vision. It’s a rewarding experience now to have others question my faith and look up to me for the strength to continue on with whatever life’s mayhem might be throwing at them. This has been something I am not quite used to and even though I don’t say it I sometimes question my ability to lead. How do you know if you are ready, how do you know if you are telling people the right things they need to hear, and how do you give advice when your life is still a little misguided at times. I ask myself these questions but I guess its human nature to doubt things at times. I still search myself for the wisdom and motivation to continue down the path I lead and it’s because of others that have given me the courage to keep pushing forward even when I was tired and couldn’t see the way. It takes a strong person to accomplish the things I have in this short amount of time and I wonder to myself how many others have endured the struggles I still face. How did they push through those walls that you sometimes get caught up at and most importantly when the fighting ends? If you had these answers readily available about life I believe you would be a very wealthy individual as we all seek some sort of guidance in our lives.
I heard a saying in one of my groups I attend with fellow Veterans that have really stuck out to me for some reason. I remember being in this group disgruntled almost at the fact that I had already pre convinced myself that I wasn’t going to be able to take anything away from the hour class. The other veteran said I heard this from an old man once and it has stuck with me “Everyone wants to be understood but no one wants to understand” I couldn’t stop focusing on this as I tried to mentality grasp this concept and see where it applies to my life. I believe this short saying has to be one of the greatest moments in my current life that has stuck out to me. We all do want to be understood and if people were more understanding life wouldn’t be as cold as it can be today. How many of us actually take the time to understand though? It seems like if it doesn’t affect us directly then we have no remorse or understanding of what else might be going on around us. I strive to be more of an understanding person as I feel it’s in our human nature to block the things out that are not in tune with our lives. I have learned you cannot change the world you can only change yourself. People are going to be people and for myself I can only change my perception on things and try to cut out the people that don’t share those same interests. I was once lonely as the people around me didn’t have my best intentions are heart and truly did not want to see me succeed. I have now built new relationships with people that challenge me carving me into a better person and a more successful leader for the future. I try to get a better understanding myself through a mentor and I am a firm believer even the greatest of leaders look to others above them for guidance.
Cutting the negativity out from my life has proved one of the best decisions I have made recently and it will actually shock you as to the new people that will start to gravitate towards you. It’s lonely at first and being patient is defiantly not one of my strong points. Slowly but surely better people with fill that void and being around people that actually care and want to see you succeed is a feeling quite of its own. I have started to build a solid foundation and in clinical terms I guess you could call it a support system. I looked at it at a different perspective though I look at it as a foundation in which to build upon.
My life has turned a course for the best and I am now on the path I want to lead. People still doubt me and even criticize my motives but those people don’t matter anymore as the things I wanted to put behind me are now there.My life has been the craziest adventure you could imagine but I feel as if the worst is behind me at this point and the best has yet to come.
I reflect back on the changes that have transpired and the time that has seemed to have flown by. I am already about to turn a new chapter and I cannot believe the direction in which my life is headed towards. I think about the day several months ago as I sat intoxicated and I made a vow to change. I would say that day is the day I committed myself to get things under control and take back my life as my life had turned upside down. I did not like the man facing back in the mirror and I was determined to change that. I will also add I have not been as committed to anything as this in my adult life. It has taken everything to stand tall and move forward against everything around me and change the man that I am starting to become. I have learned change is difficult and is something I have struggled with for quite some time. I have always wanted it, but I was afraid to grasp it. I would say I have embraced it at this point and I am content with the person I am becoming. I remember those times how hard it was to keep going and how close I was to giving up. I think to myself how I had the courage to keep moving and I don’t know the answer still. These have been some of the most trying moments of my life but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I found out who I was during these times and I have learned a lot about life during my hardest times as a man. It was during my lowest point in life that I decided what I wanted to do in life and even though the people around me laughed I am now on my way to making my dreams a reality. I can’t say that I wasn’t tiresome and the sight of disperse could be seen upon my face but the day I decided to change things is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I can say things are starting to come together for me and change is taking place not only in my heart but also in my life.
I am letting go of the past and what I have done and most importantly I am forgiving myself for the things I have done and have participated in as it seems I hold myself accountable for more then I should. I have paid my dues and I feel as if I am forgiven now and most importantly I forgive me as well. I can’t change the past and I know this. I am finally letting go and leaving this place in the days to come will change a new chapter. With this I will be leaving my sorrows behind as to not hinder me with what is in front of me. For quite some time now I have taken out a lot of abuse on myself and I know this sounds crazy but I have put myself through this self-destructive path. This is the time I let go and not be so hard on myself as no matter how much I take it out on myself, no matter how much self-hatred I inflict upon my life, it will not change the past and I accept this. This has been hard to accept but I finally love me and I accept me for me and the things that have happened are in the past. Change isn’t easy like I said but it has been a working progress.
So I find myself at a crossroad in my life and I look back at the man I used to be. I can’t believe things get that bad but life didn’t come with a how to guide and I didn’t have the best odd’s at that. It’s not about where you come from as my little sister can be a prime example as she just graduated from college with a bachelor in chemistry. I remember her looking up to me for “going to war” but little does she know war is easy, you just do your job and everything else is provided. I am the one that has the admiration as she put herself through college working a full time job and taking out student loans. I guess life is what you make it you just have to ask yourself how bad you want it. Do you want it bad enough that you are willing to hurt for it? Are you willing to sacrifice anything you have for the moment to obtain everything you ever wanted for the future? It has taken me twenty seven years to figure this mentality out. For the first time in my life I wanted something out of life so badly I was willing to hurt for it. I was willing to do whatever is necessary to become successful in obtaining that want. I wanted a change, to get better, and to prove to everyone I am a better man then what I was portraying at the time. I think I have accomplished that at this point and I am perfectly content with the change that has transpired inside. I’ll never forget that day when I sat by myself and for the first time in my life I wrote out goals for my life and I wanted something so badly it hurt. I sat there and realized I am going to change and I didn’t care what people thought, said, or did towards me. I was going to go out and make it happen because I wanted it so badly it hurt inside. I was committed to something for the first time in my life that day and have been since that nothing was going to stop me from obtaining my goals. I had the mindset that nothing was going to stop me.
Turning a new chapter will bring new challenges and new obstacles. Ill embraces these things openly knowing that this road is a lonely road and not too many dare to venture the path I lead. Learning to become a leader is new to me and I have to learn day by day. I know what I want to accomplish in this lifetime isn’t going to be easy as nothing that is worthy comes easy they say. I want this more than ever. Not for me but for others as this holds a special meaning in its self. I grew up helping others and my most cherished moments growing up revolved around helping the community in one way or another. I cannot believe how fast things have rapidly moved forward in my life and looking back I couldn’t picture myself were I am at now. It’s crazy how life is sometimes and I thank God every day for the changes I have made inside, the family I have and the life I am living.
Things are getting better and time is passing. I’ve picked myself up from the rut I have found myself in and have gotten back to what I know best. Honestly being here at this place and time has been the best thing for me. I have been able to get my mind back as I feel as it was taken hostage for quite some time. It’s takes a lot of strength to stand tall and do what I have done, even if it means standing alone at times. I guess that’s what being a leader all is about. Following the crowd is something I was never raised to do and I can Cleary remember my mother telling me to never follow the crowd when I was a young child. I am moving forward quickly at this point in my life and I can’t believe how drastically my life has changed in just one year. I think about the pain I’ve been through and the endeavors that motivate me to push harder with the things I want to accomplish in this life. One thing that has been hard for me is the hatred or maybe the vindictive mentality I can’t seem to shake. It’s not a good quality and I know this but when you have been through what I have it’s hard to not have these emotions towards certain people places and things. Maybe one day I can forgive and let go but one thing is soldier is I will never forget. I’ll never forget the betrayal and I’ll never forget the ones that left me when I needed them the most. I sit by myself and I wonder why things happened the way they did at times and honestly I still become dumbfounded to the reasons but I am grateful for it as it leads me to where I am at now. Sometimes it seems God puts you through hell to teach you things and molds you into the person he wants you to be. It’s almost a catch twenty two as well as I learned my best lessons in life during my hardest part in life. I still have a lot of resiment though and I guess that’s okay but I have learned you can’t expect too much from people especially when times get tough. When things get deep loyalties will be tested and friendships will be stretched to the point of destruction. I hate it though I wish I could turn back the pages and make things the way they used to be. Things were simple then before all the bullshit and before everyone gotten themselves into the madness of life. Sadly that is not the case but it’s nice to think about from time to time, I can only look at the future and what the future holds for me now. Present day there is no mayhem in my life is actually quite boring. I had someone come into my life as well that I didn’t expect. That person seems to understand me and that’s a great feeling that you don’t have to be someone you’re not just to gain their approval. I’m happy with the way my life has turned and looking back I wish I could change a thing or two but that’s the way the game goes sometimes. Being a soldier comes with heartache and pain but that’s just a small infraction of the bigger picture. Soldiers move forward and fight at all costs there is no time to think about the battles we have lost only time to prepare for the battles we are going into. Life is crazy and it seems like it’s getting shorter the older I get. I know one day this pain will be justified but for right now it’s still fresh on my mind like a wound that’s hard to heal. I use it as my motivation to drive harder into the darkness when the days seem grim and I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to drive on. I use it as reminder to remember where I came from and where I refuse to return. I strive to better myself every day in one way or another and it’s a good feeling inside to here feedback from others that know me best. This journey has been a crazy one and I know in my heart the real journey is has only begun.
People go through life seeming less unable to comprehend the things that are happening in this world, the nightmare the very few dare to be a part of, and the direction our world is moving towards. It’s mind blowing to me to see people so peaceful and carefree in their daily lives. I guess I don’t expect them to comprehend but what are sickening are the sacrifices we made under the assumption of defending this country. I turn on the television and I am almost reluctant to see what is going on. It makes me angry to have to accept the fact the fighting and pain we endured voluntarily were in vain. Nothing has changed and all I see is more violence and war. Why does the leaders of this country not take into consideration the fact so many of us are not here anymore and even more so the millions of families that have been turned upside down due to the fact that we were brave to push forward in a time of war. The people of this country almost have no disregard as to the struggles that we have had to overcome just to sustain coming back home. I almost don’t even feel proud anymore as that wore off long ago. I’m here and I listen to the countless number of stories others have and the impact it has made on their normal life. We laugh and joke about our indifferences and the struggles we deal with but deep down we are only downplaying the situation at hand. We gave something up to defend something we believed in and knowing the sacrifices of our sanity and countless other changes in the face of what we thought was the right thing is a very tough pill to swallow. It only plays into the mayhem of our daily lives and knowing that it was for nothing pushes us deeper into the black hole that drains our daily lives now. No amount of therapy will ever make the wound that is open inside myself close only for the fact of how our society and leaders have shown how much we mean to them. People are grateful and some thank for the things we done but actions are louder than words. I’m not insinuating we deserve special treatment but what I do expect is our sacrifices are respected and the society that singles us out as outcasts doesn’t show so much deprecation that I see today. Its hard going through all of this and especially when others can’t comprehend what you’re going through unless you have lived it firsthand. Everything was for nothing I have come to the conclusion of, and I can’t even put into words of how that feels inside. You’re not the one that is affected as well as your loved ones have made sacrifices and I don’t even think they realize what those sacrifices entail. How are we supposed to move past this at this point in time and what are supposed to do now to move forward with our lives. Me personally I don’t think I can move forward from this and the amount of disgust I have towards certain things only drives me deeper into insanity within my mind. I don’t see how someone can turn their backs on the people that were willing to die to protect their way of life. We have gone through hell and back just to come back into a new hell once home. People contradict my mindset all the time with telling me they do care and appreciate what I did but I see it another way. If people cared as much as they say then twenty two veterans a day would be spared, homeless veterans would be something but of a bad dream, and the fight for which we now face wouldn’t be so hard to stand against. I think back when I was young if I would change my decision giving the things I have now gone through. My answer is not even a question to me I would leave today to get back into the fight and that’s insane but it’s what anyone of us would do for the most part. How can these individuals with this mindset are treated the way they have been for so long. Who will fight the next generations battles as I don’t see myself letting my sons of the future go through what I did and let our Country treat them as the way my generations veterans are being treated. It used to be admirable to have served your country and I wonder all the time were us as a society have lost that respect for the ones willing to give everything for what they love. I think of the Vietnam veterans and the disrespect they had to endure and that only makes ours look like a walk in the park. I don’t understand it, it’s a catch twenty two it seems as we are deemed hero’s for actions most of us can’t even bear to relive but in contrary we are the ones that don’t fit into society anymore. I remember during a job interview I had a couple years ago and the general manager questioned of my military service. I felt proud to admit that I have done something so self-less and the response I get was “you don’t have that PTSD do you, we can’t have anyone freaking out and hurting customers and staff” I finished the interview the best I could and I remember leaving their with feelings of shame and guilt. Needless to say I didn’t get a call back and I assumed I was recognized as the crazy veterans that society can’t understand. I wanted to tell that man that I would protect my staff and customers with my life as that is what I am trained for. I am not a mercifulness killer even though that is how we are perceived now through society’s eyes. I only hope things change and one day and all of the pain and struggles we have gone through will be justified……. One day maybe but today it is but a fantasy