Things are coming together slowly these days and I can’t quite put my mind around the fact the worst is behind me now. Maybe I expect the worst these days and when things are going for the better it almost feels foreign. Change is difficult but I can say at least at this point in my life things are looking for the better. I have been told I don’t give myself enough credit that I have turned things around. I don’t think I have done anything significate to credit myself I just couldn’t stand the fact that my life had turned upside down. I think about the day I write about I sat by myself and wrote out how I wanted my life to transpire into. It seemed just a faint daydream in which the reality I am living in today. It’s been almost six months ago and I am on track with what I put on paper such a short time ago. I have met some of the most amazing people during these few months into my recovery and I feel God has placed certain people in my life for a reason. I tell people I didn’t do anything great I just never quit. I think that is the best advice I can give anyone going through hell. Michael Jordan says I was successful because I failed. I can relate to that as I have failed more so then I have achieved. Each time though when the feeling of shame and guilt flowed through me and I didn’t even want to face anyone as I already knew what people were going to say. Each time though I got back up and I continued what I started even when faced with adversity and criticism I held my head as high as I could and tried to pretend that things didn’t affect me as much as they did. There is a good quote that sticks with me and it says when the storm has passed you might not even know if it us fully gone but one thing you do know is you’re not the same person as you were going into the storm. My storm seems to be subsiding and I honestly don’t know if it’s truly gone but I can say I am not the same person as I once was. Things that I thought used to be important are now very different then the things I believe are important now at this point in my life.
I strive everyday now to become a better person but it seems one thing I struggle with is the rage that’s trapped inside me. Anger in the Army is encouraged but controlled and it what drives the warfighter community. Weakness is pushed out of you and you are screamed at constantly to create chaos in which war is. How do you turn it off when you reenter the civilian world? When you are labeled as having PTSD you almost carry the stigma that follows with it. People that have never sacrificed anything in their lives almost look down upon you and cast judgment. The anger I run from at times seems to bear its ugly head from time to time when I am looked down upon for some of the things I have faced in this life. I guess there will always be people analyzing your every move and being the first ones to point out your flaws. I still struggle with these type of people as it seems walking away is not programmed into my brain. I have just about overcame everything, the depression, the addiction, the numbness that casts it shadow on me and even the acceptance that something inside of me is broken. One thing I still can’t seem to come to terms is my rage that is trapped inside me. It’s almost a yearning and when my body releases those chemicals it’s almost the best drug one could imagine. I have learned our brains get rewired to release dopamine when feelings of anger, rage, and confrontation come about. I guess it’s the brains way of dealing with traumatic events but whatever the cause I can’t seem to shake it. I like to carry myself with respect with others but when this is triggered I am ready to unleash hell on the most unworthy confrontation. I hear it takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem with certain things but I can say unless you are honest about things you will never get better. I think sometimes I get mad at my situation more than anything. It’s that since of entitlement we carry but in my opinion how is it wrong to get mad when the things we fought for are not being provided for us. It seems when you have that label you’re already the bad guy in any situation. I don’t give myself a great defense when I show my ass at the most insignificant of things. I don’t have any control of it and sometimes I don’t think people believe that or maybe they can’t understand the fact of not having control over your emotions. It’s on or off, zero to one hundred with not stopping in between. It’s something the military almost teaches you to not think nor hesitate to only act upon your emotions. I can say this it has been harder to reverse this thought process then it was to learn it.
This chapter of my life is almost coming to a close. I have accomplished a lot in the short amount of time I have been at the VA. I'm not quite were I want to be just yet but I am able to see the light and the darkness isn't so gloomy anymore. Things are moving forward and I can see the light finally.
I strive everyday now to become a better person but it seems one thing I struggle with is the rage that’s trapped inside me. Anger in the Army is encouraged but controlled and it what drives the warfighter community. Weakness is pushed out of you and you are screamed at constantly to create chaos in which war is. How do you turn it off when you reenter the civilian world? When you are labeled as having PTSD you almost carry the stigma that follows with it. People that have never sacrificed anything in their lives almost look down upon you and cast judgment. The anger I run from at times seems to bear its ugly head from time to time when I am looked down upon for some of the things I have faced in this life. I guess there will always be people analyzing your every move and being the first ones to point out your flaws. I still struggle with these type of people as it seems walking away is not programmed into my brain. I have just about overcame everything, the depression, the addiction, the numbness that casts it shadow on me and even the acceptance that something inside of me is broken. One thing I still can’t seem to come to terms is my rage that is trapped inside me. It’s almost a yearning and when my body releases those chemicals it’s almost the best drug one could imagine. I have learned our brains get rewired to release dopamine when feelings of anger, rage, and confrontation come about. I guess it’s the brains way of dealing with traumatic events but whatever the cause I can’t seem to shake it. I like to carry myself with respect with others but when this is triggered I am ready to unleash hell on the most unworthy confrontation. I hear it takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem with certain things but I can say unless you are honest about things you will never get better. I think sometimes I get mad at my situation more than anything. It’s that since of entitlement we carry but in my opinion how is it wrong to get mad when the things we fought for are not being provided for us. It seems when you have that label you’re already the bad guy in any situation. I don’t give myself a great defense when I show my ass at the most insignificant of things. I don’t have any control of it and sometimes I don’t think people believe that or maybe they can’t understand the fact of not having control over your emotions. It’s on or off, zero to one hundred with not stopping in between. It’s something the military almost teaches you to not think nor hesitate to only act upon your emotions. I can say this it has been harder to reverse this thought process then it was to learn it.
This chapter of my life is almost coming to a close. I have accomplished a lot in the short amount of time I have been at the VA. I'm not quite were I want to be just yet but I am able to see the light and the darkness isn't so gloomy anymore. Things are moving forward and I can see the light finally.