Trying to repair something that is broken inside of you is the most mentally tiring thing I have ever done. I just recently accepted I was broken how am I to repair things so quickly I ask myself? Pain is something that I have been so used to that breaking down the walls and accepting the pain is something I run from. The anxiety breaks through the roof talking about it amongst my brothers and sisters and facing my past is something I am trying to do. Others have said to me they can see the pain on my face but I hide it with a smile and a comment that everything is okay. Sadly everything isn’t okay and at this point I am tired of blaming myself for everything I have been subjected to in this lifetime. It seems even though I like to think that pain is something I hate but I contradict that with how much pain I have invited into my life. I don’t even feel emotions anymore so in a sadistically way I like pain for it is all I feel these days. Peeling back the layers of the walls I have put up reveals how much pain I do carry and it’s been hard facing all of this, at least soberly anyways. I yearn to find something in my life to replace the poison I put into my body that suppressed the pain inside. Most combat veterans won’t admit that the pain inside is almost unbearable at times. A lot of us self-medicate and run from it through different means. I found my means through channels I wish I never endured for it has turned my life upside down. Who is to judge me though as it makes me enraged that people judge what they don’t understand. Accepting the fact that people will never understand is very difficult for me and it only plays into the mayhem I have exposed myself to. Seeing the things on the news only makes things worse for I have come to conclusion that what I fought for was short lived. The area in which I gave almost a year of my life is occupied by a new resistance and when I open my computer all I am reminded of is the amount of veteran related issues we have had to face coming home. How many men must die to change things? How much pain and confusion do families have to suffer in order to prove to the leaders of our country they have only destroyed our normality and replaced it with the horrors of combat. It infuriates me to even see the way people treat me sometimes like I am some sort of horrible person now or violent individual. We carry the pain so others don’t have to but it was us that stood up and not them. I don’t expect them to understand or treat me special to anyone else but I do want my society and the people around me to see how much we have endured during these wars declared by the people that have never been to the front lines of a combat environment. Maybe things will always be the same and I should just accept the fact things are the way they are and move on. I can’t sadly I gave everything to uphold something greater and now I am broken. I’ve been on this self-destructive path sense then as I can’t cope with these things in a healthy way. I am not trying to justify my actions and being a combat veteran does not grant me the right to make some of the mistakes I have. I do want to be given the things I did raise my hand for and the respect I fought for, for this country. Would I do it again people sometime ask me and I don’t think I would think twice to pick up my rifle and move forward as I justify me taking the pain so you don’t have to. I have always endured pain in my life since a very young age and I know I am strong as to get to where I am right now strong is the only way that will take you through the fight. The same people though I sacrificed my innocence and morality for doesn’t understand that I didn’t choose to become this way on my free will and just because I have done bad things in this lifetime doesn’t make me a bad person. I struggle with this as the last time I stepped into a church the pastor talked of man only brings hate and war to this world and that God doesn’t like those qualities about man. I feel shame for I was that man, I was a part of war, and I did let evil hijack my thoughts. It hurts it really hurts for just as many people that thank for there are just so many people that make me feel as if I am an outcast. I see the pain on other veteran’s faces and it makes me so fucking angry that I know they feel the same as if I do. How do we move forward when facing the challenges that we do? How am I to look at myself in the mirror when your family is afraid of you? You know that you would never hurt the people you love and it’s frustrating that only anger comes in the place of love. I guess that is why so many of us commit suicide every day and I have to be honest suicide is something I have struggled with as the pain these issues bring is unbearable. Drugs and alcohol help but only temporally as it only brings more pain into your life as your reputation, lifestyle, and your self-worth is destroyed through these outlets. Sadly the pain that is suppressed outweighs everything and it does drive you to the point of wanting to end it all. Every day is a struggle and the mask you put on is only a front to help battle with the people that already think you are below them in this life. It’s all bullshit and I am finally facing the pain that I so desperately want to cope with in my life. I’ve been doing the same things for so long that facing all of this soberly is one of the most terrifying thing I have ever done. Being confident helps but secretly I try to be brave and face the things that haunt my mind daily. One thing I have learned is the most important part of my recovery is forgiving me. I have taken my pain and turned it into rage and hate bundling all of these emotions and taking it out on the people around me but most sadly myself overall. I hate this truly and I just want to be normal again even though a doctor at the Veterans Administration said I would never be the person I once was. My country took that from me and that’s okay that is part of the many sacrifices I volunteered to give up willingly. My frustration only comes when the things that are in place to help us turn into a parade to benefit others and our reputation is that of evil men you should keep your kids away from. I guess what I am trying to get to is pain is something that combat veterans hide and most just want to end these things I lay in front of you. How many have to die before things change I ask myself this every day I wake up and sadly it’s something I will ask for the rest of my life. We take the pain so others don’t have we fight so others can live free and we die because that’s what men do to protect the things they love in this life.