I write about changes and the things I want to do in life, but this I might say has to be one of the hardest. The monster I so cowardly run from is staring me in the face and I know I must fight like my life depended on it in order to change. It’s terrifying changing everything I once knew and my anxiety has been through the roof with the thought of failure looming in the background. I sit in groups with people much like myself and they seem to understand the mayhem that has been going on in my life. I feel as they also to have their own monsters they are battling and it brings so much pain for me to hear their stories and the amount combat they have seen and lived through. I sit back and I see these men and the heroism they displayed and the sacrifices they made to defend this country. It makes me so angry that I and the people I have met have been treated in normal society. Why don’t people understand that we are not evil men? We all want change and to feel a since of normality but getting there has been the worst war I have been a part of. The military didn’t train us for this, they didn’t mention anything about being not able to feel love, the self-destructive path we live, or the horrors that sleeping can bring as the nightmares are almost unbearable at times. In the military we are trained to always have a plan or SOP to handle everything. Where is the SOP (standard operating procedure) for the monster inside my head hijacking my thoughts and putting up walls so strong everyone has given up the battle to take them down? I knew this was going to be hard as the monster I speak of has dominated my life for several years now. I thought my confidence and attitude was enough to give me the energy to fight. It’s not though I don’t know what I need to combat this fully but eventually I will. I say that but deep down I know I still don’t believe it. I have failed so many times that maybe it’s routine to prepare for the next time I fall. There is a lot of pain where I am and I can feel it in the air almost as it were a faint fog that creeps in as we try to process everything and come to terms that we are not like we used to be. I am used to the pain though so numb that I don’t even feel it anymore. Maybe I do feel it but I am so emotionally numb I don’t let it get to me. Depression used to have control over my life and now I have traded that with pain and anxiety. The anger I run from is still inside me but I’m here to change all of this. I know I will not be cured in a month but I do hope I can at least get a grip on things and start the healing process I have been so desperately fighting for, for so long. Turning that next chapter has brought new challenges I am to face and I’m terrified as I do not want to fail. This new chapter is going to be much more difficult than the last one and I feel as if I barely made it out of the last. I want to do this but I know I am going to have to remove these walls I have built to protect myself. I am finally not running anymore and even though I may be brave and confident facing everything is almost impossible. It feels like the moment when you realize were you are. My first experience of this was in Iraq, it didn’t seem surreal when I first touched down. I can remember laughing and joking with my friends and it didn’t even hit me that I was in a combat zone. I remember going to our FOB from Baghdad. We lined up nervous and facing the unknown our bags packed neat and orderly on the tar mat. The helicopters blades chopped through the cool night and had a distinct sound that will forever be engraved into my mind. We loaded up and I don’t think I was fully sat down with the helicopter took off. I looked to my right through the small circle window and seen the country of Iraq for the first time. The gunner racked rounds into his machine gun turning his night vision down and scanning the ground for potential threats. It hit me then that this was not training or a video game that I volunteered to be a part of. This small memory reminds me of my present war and the reality that has set in where I am at now and what I must do to overcome it. I am in this and I have the attitude serving my country. Like then I was scared as I am now but I do not let fear affect the way I react. Like then I didn’t know what to expect and I was being thrown into the unknown. Like combat I am not in this alone as I have my brothers to my left and right. I will have to adapt to this next chapter and be prepared to fight like my life depended on it. This is the beginning of the next chapter and I look forward to sharing my progress.