Things are changing rapidly and in a since it’s amazing to finally be able to take down some of the walls that have been built up for many years now. It’s also terrifying in a since as you perceive life in a different meaning. The walls protected you from the pain, the walls protected you from your own morals once and now the walls inhibit you to connect anyone in daily life. I guess there is a process to change and things do not come overnight. Changing everything about you is mentally tiring but at the same time it comes to almost a release of the pressure inside. It’s almost heartbreaking to see the damage left in the wake of our fury and the knowledge of how many people gave up chiseling those walls down we have in place. It’s not that we want to be like this and this only makes things worse as our hearts are pure. It’s a constant struggle through daily life to not lose hope but in the end hope is all we have. The constant battle I am portraying for you come at a very expensive cost and that cost is something we never realize until it’s too late. I think people losing hope in us just makes things worse as we lose hope within ourselves.
Rebuilding what is damaged or broken is not an easy task. I can say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever done since being a man and the humility of this isn’t easy as well. I served in combat and was trained to never show weakness but now I am to the point that what I deal with isn’t a weakness. Men are not mentally trained for the things we go through and we are diffidently now ready for the changes that combat brings upon us. How am I to accept the fact that I am not the person I once was, how am I to change my mindset into the person I would like to remember myself as, and how do you accept the fact you are broken and have no comprehension of what is exactly destroyed inside. Maybe it’s our innocence, our inner peace, or simple the fact that we were not raised and brought up to encourage rage and violence. Looking at the things I have ran from for so long and facing the new challenges I choose to fight brings a new meaning to my life. I know I’ll never be the person I used to be but in a since I want to be able to live my life without rage and hate. I am facing a lot of pain and the anger has already erupted almost like a violent volcano. It’s almost contradicting in nature as releasing it keeps it at bay for the time being. The anger comes suddenly and unexpected and it might be a cowardly thing but I have suppressed it in my past through ways I am now ashamed of. People don’t even see the rage as I feel a lot of people like I wear a mask to hide the monster that is inside us. It’s insane as it’s not normal nor is it that we truly are. Anger used to be the driving force that kept us going and for some kept us alive. How do we turn it off now as in today’s society the anger just seems to get me at least in trouble? Changing this is a challenge I have taken on as I do have a big heart and the knowledge that some people are terrified of my presences is heartbreaking. As Soldiers we are protectors almost like a shepherded protecting his flock. We fight the wolves that try to prey upon the things we love and sadly a sheep can’t comprehend the violence that it takes to accomplish this task. Maybe they will never understand or maybe I have gotten to the point that they choose not to understand. It’s frustrating as it only adds to the mayhem going on inside our heads. We have become outcasts in our society and the stigma we obtain is almost sickening to process. Maybe this is why most of us have so many challenges that we fall victim to as you start to be ashamed of the person you are. You fall victim to the stigma and the things that people perceive you as almost becomes the reflection you cast upon yourself. It’s humiliating and seeking help for these things just reinstate the fact that you’re less human for the changes that have occurred in your mind.
During all of the mayhem and the challenges I have faced I never once thought that I was the one with the problems. It’s almost sad to see someone in so much self-denial only for the fact that I didn’t want to accept I was broken inside. I look back on my self destructive path that I created in my life and I am reminded every day of the rampage I caused. I don’t expect people to think I have changed overnight but what I do want the people closets to realize is that I am changing. This process has been something I have wanted to do for quite some time but instead I was afraid of what I am subjecting myself to present day. Maybe I will never get that satisfaction but I know one thing is concrete and that is I am not letting it get in the way of changing the person I used to be. We all go through hell in one way or another and I am so grateful my hell is subsiding. The people around me so far understand me and that has helped me bring down the walls I have had up for so long. Emotions are starting to come to me again and it’s rewarding to feel something other than the poison I used to deal with this. Meeting people new has come with a new feeling of happiness and its crazy how God works at times. I think everything happens for a reason in this lifetime and even though we might not understand things now it gives us the opportunity to show the world who we really are inside. I feel as if God put me through hell to give me a new meaning on life and that all the pain I endured will one day be justified. The pain I subjected myself to is now my motivation to fight harder in life. Overcoming the things I have, felt almost impossible. God took everything away from me including my friends and family but it taught me something about life. Life is meaningless when it comes to materialistic things. Even though I still have a lot to overcome I know in my heart I am not the same person I used to be. Family is everything and even though I felt like they weren’t there at times I know looking back they were there more than I ever realized. I guess they couldn’t face the pain that I was slowly killing myself and didn’t want to see me in that light. Family is forever and it’s the most important thing we can have in this lifetime.
Rebuilding what is damaged or broken is not an easy task. I can say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever done since being a man and the humility of this isn’t easy as well. I served in combat and was trained to never show weakness but now I am to the point that what I deal with isn’t a weakness. Men are not mentally trained for the things we go through and we are diffidently now ready for the changes that combat brings upon us. How am I to accept the fact that I am not the person I once was, how am I to change my mindset into the person I would like to remember myself as, and how do you accept the fact you are broken and have no comprehension of what is exactly destroyed inside. Maybe it’s our innocence, our inner peace, or simple the fact that we were not raised and brought up to encourage rage and violence. Looking at the things I have ran from for so long and facing the new challenges I choose to fight brings a new meaning to my life. I know I’ll never be the person I used to be but in a since I want to be able to live my life without rage and hate. I am facing a lot of pain and the anger has already erupted almost like a violent volcano. It’s almost contradicting in nature as releasing it keeps it at bay for the time being. The anger comes suddenly and unexpected and it might be a cowardly thing but I have suppressed it in my past through ways I am now ashamed of. People don’t even see the rage as I feel a lot of people like I wear a mask to hide the monster that is inside us. It’s insane as it’s not normal nor is it that we truly are. Anger used to be the driving force that kept us going and for some kept us alive. How do we turn it off now as in today’s society the anger just seems to get me at least in trouble? Changing this is a challenge I have taken on as I do have a big heart and the knowledge that some people are terrified of my presences is heartbreaking. As Soldiers we are protectors almost like a shepherded protecting his flock. We fight the wolves that try to prey upon the things we love and sadly a sheep can’t comprehend the violence that it takes to accomplish this task. Maybe they will never understand or maybe I have gotten to the point that they choose not to understand. It’s frustrating as it only adds to the mayhem going on inside our heads. We have become outcasts in our society and the stigma we obtain is almost sickening to process. Maybe this is why most of us have so many challenges that we fall victim to as you start to be ashamed of the person you are. You fall victim to the stigma and the things that people perceive you as almost becomes the reflection you cast upon yourself. It’s humiliating and seeking help for these things just reinstate the fact that you’re less human for the changes that have occurred in your mind.
During all of the mayhem and the challenges I have faced I never once thought that I was the one with the problems. It’s almost sad to see someone in so much self-denial only for the fact that I didn’t want to accept I was broken inside. I look back on my self destructive path that I created in my life and I am reminded every day of the rampage I caused. I don’t expect people to think I have changed overnight but what I do want the people closets to realize is that I am changing. This process has been something I have wanted to do for quite some time but instead I was afraid of what I am subjecting myself to present day. Maybe I will never get that satisfaction but I know one thing is concrete and that is I am not letting it get in the way of changing the person I used to be. We all go through hell in one way or another and I am so grateful my hell is subsiding. The people around me so far understand me and that has helped me bring down the walls I have had up for so long. Emotions are starting to come to me again and it’s rewarding to feel something other than the poison I used to deal with this. Meeting people new has come with a new feeling of happiness and its crazy how God works at times. I think everything happens for a reason in this lifetime and even though we might not understand things now it gives us the opportunity to show the world who we really are inside. I feel as if God put me through hell to give me a new meaning on life and that all the pain I endured will one day be justified. The pain I subjected myself to is now my motivation to fight harder in life. Overcoming the things I have, felt almost impossible. God took everything away from me including my friends and family but it taught me something about life. Life is meaningless when it comes to materialistic things. Even though I still have a lot to overcome I know in my heart I am not the same person I used to be. Family is everything and even though I felt like they weren’t there at times I know looking back they were there more than I ever realized. I guess they couldn’t face the pain that I was slowly killing myself and didn’t want to see me in that light. Family is forever and it’s the most important thing we can have in this lifetime.